Saying good bye

It has been a rough week. At time I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare.

Wednesday night we dropped the kids off at my Mother in laws house. Andrew gave me a really sweet priesthood blessing. It mentioned that we would have more children. After the blessing all me kids came up at one time a gave me a really big hug. That felt so good.

We knew we wouldn't be able to sleep we stayed up watching movies and finally feel asleep about 1:30am. We woke up at about 6:00am. I really wanted to sleep some more but just couldn't. I called the hospital at 7:30 am and they said to be in their by 8:00 am.

We got there about eight but because of other things going on I was not able to have the d&c done until 11:00am. Up to this point I had been doing well. The minute the nurse came in I started crying. It was finally time to say good bye to my baby. It was so final. The nurse told Andrew to hug and kiss me and I just sobbed in his arms. It was the final minutes of me being pregnant with this baby. I just cried as they wheeled me into the operating room. As I rubbed my stomach one more time and said good bye to my unborn child. Oh how I wish that I could have held this baby in my arms.

There was a minor complication. I bleed more than I should have. I guess the baby died around 13 weeks and not 11 like they had thought. I guess 13 week babies have more tissue and so I bleed more. I was in the post op room for a while because it took awhile for my blood pressure to come back up. I think I was finally able to see Andrew around 2:30pm. I than stayed in the recovery room until 6:00pm when doctor Jacobs thought it was safe for me to go home.

We were lucky enough to spend the night at my mother in laws house. It was really nice to get the extra help since I was so week from the d&c.

I was at peace yesterday I could feel all of the prayer that was going out to me.

Today has been harder. I think the realization of it all is finally sinking in. It has been a roller coaster day. I feel at peace and at moments my heart aches so bad that I just cry.

I know I will have my good days and bad days. I just pray for a quick recovery.

Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. I hope you keep praying for my family because we still need them.

I am so sad.

My heart aches so much at this moment. Maybe from the start I new something was wrong. I have been so nervous for this day to come for awhile. I was not excited for summer to come.

Today was suppose to be a happy day. I was going to go to the doctor and finally be able to hear the babies heart beat. Marysa came with me. As I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor the moment he opened the door my heart sank.

He searched for the heart beat but could not hear it. So he took me to another room to see if we could find it on the ultra sound. It was a old machine so he sent me clear across town to get a better ultra sound done. The ultra sound tech could not find one.

The baby grew to about 11 weeks 4 days. I am 13 weeks 4 days. I will have a D&C on Thursday.

I want to say that I will be okay. I am not sure. My heart aches so bad. This is my 3rd miscarriage I know what to expect. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening to me? Did I do something wrong?

Questions lots and lots of questions. So many feeling. I keep thinking what if I Can't do this.

So please be patient with me while I am going through this trial. I will try to have faith.

Ironic thing is coming Sunday at church I was suppose to give a talk on adversity. I will not be doing that now that would just be way to hard. Last night I read 4 articles from the May Ensign on Adversity. I went to bed crying thinking how awful I handle my last miscarriage how I was so angry and bitter. Thinking how can I do this talk when I failed so bad last time I miscarried. I hope I get it right the 3rd time around. I want to say that I can handle it. I am not sure.

Happy 7th Birthday Marysa

Marysa is 7 today. She has yet to loose a tooth. I keep telling her the day she looses her first tooth we will throw a party. She is so ready to loose her first tooth. She like to do things late I guess.

She was born four days late. My due date was actually on Caleb's 2nd birthday. She was 8lbs 13 oz when she was born. She was beautiful. She still is. I am not just saying this cause I a her mom. People would say she is a cute and then like a minute later say she really is beautiful.

She is smart. She enjoys reading, she gets that from her dad. She always does her homework and I do not even have to ask her too. Tomorrow is her last day of 1st grade. I can't believe she is 7. She is a beautiful girl. She is sweet. Yet she lets you know when she is mad. She loves her younger brother Joshua. She is so excited for this baby to be born in December I think she is more excited than I am.

I am so blessed to have her as my daughter. She has taught me patience, understanding, and much much more.

Happy Birthday Marysa. Have a wonderful day!

Happy 9th birthday Caleb

It is hard for me to imagine that I have a 9 year old. Yet today is Caleb's 9th Birthday. I think of the struggle it took to get him here. We got married when I was just 18 I really wanted a baby right away. It took us about 6 months before we got pregnant, but that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Oh how my heart was broken. I remember the day I miscarried I was sitting on the couch and this little voice said mommy I will come in May. We started trying again right way but it took us another 7 months of trying. We found out we were pregnant in September of 1999. Caleb was due May 26 2000.

Caleb was born on May 24 2000. He weighted a whopping 9lbs 6oz. He was 22 inches long. He was a great baby. He only cried when he was hungry. Caleb has always been above the 95% on height and weight on the growth charts.

Today Caleb is still big. He is almost as tall as me. By the way who says a boy can get taller than his mom or at least at such a young age. His feet are just as big as mine. He looks about 12. I wonder how old that makes me look. I was only 20 when he was born. Funny thing some guy at the post office thought he was 16. I wanted to say how old do I look. If he looked 16 He must of thought I was like 35. Which I am not.

Caleb is the most caring person I know. We were driving some where and he saw this moving van and people moving in and he said " oh man I wish I could help." That is how Caleb is he is always wanting to help. He loves helping people move in.

Caleb loves going to school. He loves playing soccer and riding his bike.

I always tell him how lucky I am to be is mom. I truly mean that. I feel so blessed that he is my son. He told me yesterday that he never wants to move out that he always wants to be with me. He wants to be able to kiss me everyday. Lets see if he stills feels the same way in 5 years.

Happy Birthday Caleb!

We love you.

Happy Birthday Joshua

They say time flies when you are having fun. The last 2 years have gone by in the blink of an eye.

Joshua is so much fun. I have loved every minute being is mom. He wakes up every morning with a big smile. First thing he does is give me a big hug.

He is always smiling. He smile at everything. He is calm. He is patient. He loves food. He loves milk. He loves his brother and sisters. Azalea is his playmate. Marysa his 2nd mom. Caleb is well his older brother. The kids still fight over him. He looooooves to suck on his finger and play with his hair. Unless I am holding him than he plays with my hair.

This little boy has brought so much joy to this family. I look at him today and am still wondering where he came from. I know where. I look back at how long it took to get Azalea here and then when she was only 18 months he was here. He is are surprise baby our blink of an eye baby. Oh how I love this boy.

Wow 2 years old. My time really does fly when you are having fun.