Our walk to the park.

Summer is coming to an end this is very bitter sweet for me. Anyways I thought that I would take Azalea and Joshua to the icy stand to get an icy. Since the Marysa and Caleb where at school.

I loaded up the two little ones and off we went. We walked down a steep hill, turned the corner came to the icy stand only to find it closed. It did not open until after 3:00 pm.

I was not going to let this walk go to waste so I continued to a walk up hamburger stand. I ordered to ice cream cones and some fries because on the sign it said worlds best fries or something like that. So of coarse I had to try them. They were good but not the best.

After the Ice Cream we walked to the park. I was not intending to go to the park today but hay sometimes we just walk and see where it leads us. Had the icy stand been open we would have not gone to the park. We had a blast at the park. I loved spending time with the little ones. I love how they play together. So here are some pictures of what we saw on our walk to the park.


Yummy Ice cream


Thirsty kids



an azalea



flowers



Shadows



The letter A



A bee



Someone swinging= Azalea


flowers and shadows



A really old truck



A cross



Handsome eyes



Beautiful eyes



Two very happy kids.

Our first home

Andrew and I bought our first home. We closed on July 15th 2009. Lets just say with buying our first home and having a miscarriage at the same time has been well over whelming.

I finally have my house. It was built in 1950. It has lots of fruit trees. Apple, pear, apricot, plum, cherry and a grape vine.

Enjoy the pictures.













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my baby and the memory box.

This is the only picture I have of my baby. I don't know for sure if it was a boy or a girl. MY feelings tell me that it was a little boy. I have named this baby Scott Mason after my grandfather Oscar Mason.

He looks so cute in this ultra sound. Oh how I wish I had the chance to hold him. To see him. To nurse him. To kiss his sweet little face. Oh how my heart has ached the last month. How empty my heart feels.

My thoughts over the last month have been all over the place. At time I have even thought that this little boy didn't want me to be his mommy. I have experienced grief to its fullest this last month. I have been angry, I have been depressed, I have been in denial. My heart at times feels like it is being torn in a million peaces at times.

I have had a few days of peace. I have had peace one minute and the next I feel like I am about to lose it.

My kids have seen me cry. Marysa is always there to hug me. My kids have seen me cry a lot. I am feel bad that they have to see me go through this.

I have been to the temple many times. I am looking for answers but I have not gotten any yet. I think I am just not ready to hear.

Andrew has given me three beautiful priesthood blessings. The first one was right before my d&c. The second one was just a few days after the d&c and I couldn't sleep,so he gave me a blessing that I would be able to sleep and I was. The third one was just this past Sunday I had been having a hard time. He said very firmly that I would have more kids. This had weighed heavily on my mind.

At times I am not sure I have the strength to go threw this again. I am scared. It was so hard last time. I barely made it through. I feel like I missed a whole year. I feel like I lost friends because of how I handled it.

I do know that as time goes by that my broken heart will heal. I know that there will always be a part of my heart that misses my babies. I know that I will always think of what might have been. I know that I still have to travel this road some more.




I have made a memory box for my sweet baby.
I have included his ultra sound picture. The pregnancy test. The bracelet that my sweet cousin made for me. She made it for me so that even though I know longer have my baby that when I wear the bracelet part of him will be with me. It means so much to me that I can not wear it because I would be afraid I would lose it. I have the roses my relief society teacher gave me. I have the box of the figurine that my home teacher gave me. I have the cards that people have sent me. I have the booties from the hospital that I wore when I had the d&c done. I have an outfit that I bought for the baby. It has the picture that my kids drew for me.

My friend in my ward gave me a bush to plant so that I will have something else to remember the baby by.

I put a rainbow on top of the box as to remind me of the hope of what is to come after the rain is gone.


I am so grateful for all the support that I have received. All the hugs, all the prayers, all of the kind words, all of the people who will sit and listen to me just talk and work out my frustrations.

I still need prayers. I still need to be able to talk about losing by baby. I am not sure what this road has in store for me. I have a feeling of what I am suppose to learn from this experience. I just hope I can come out of this a stronger person and with a stronger faith in our Heavenly Father.

Saying good bye

It has been a rough week. At time I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare.

Wednesday night we dropped the kids off at my Mother in laws house. Andrew gave me a really sweet priesthood blessing. It mentioned that we would have more children. After the blessing all me kids came up at one time a gave me a really big hug. That felt so good.

We knew we wouldn't be able to sleep we stayed up watching movies and finally feel asleep about 1:30am. We woke up at about 6:00am. I really wanted to sleep some more but just couldn't. I called the hospital at 7:30 am and they said to be in their by 8:00 am.

We got there about eight but because of other things going on I was not able to have the d&c done until 11:00am. Up to this point I had been doing well. The minute the nurse came in I started crying. It was finally time to say good bye to my baby. It was so final. The nurse told Andrew to hug and kiss me and I just sobbed in his arms. It was the final minutes of me being pregnant with this baby. I just cried as they wheeled me into the operating room. As I rubbed my stomach one more time and said good bye to my unborn child. Oh how I wish that I could have held this baby in my arms.

There was a minor complication. I bleed more than I should have. I guess the baby died around 13 weeks and not 11 like they had thought. I guess 13 week babies have more tissue and so I bleed more. I was in the post op room for a while because it took awhile for my blood pressure to come back up. I think I was finally able to see Andrew around 2:30pm. I than stayed in the recovery room until 6:00pm when doctor Jacobs thought it was safe for me to go home.

We were lucky enough to spend the night at my mother in laws house. It was really nice to get the extra help since I was so week from the d&c.

I was at peace yesterday I could feel all of the prayer that was going out to me.

Today has been harder. I think the realization of it all is finally sinking in. It has been a roller coaster day. I feel at peace and at moments my heart aches so bad that I just cry.

I know I will have my good days and bad days. I just pray for a quick recovery.

Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. I hope you keep praying for my family because we still need them.

I am so sad.

My heart aches so much at this moment. Maybe from the start I new something was wrong. I have been so nervous for this day to come for awhile. I was not excited for summer to come.

Today was suppose to be a happy day. I was going to go to the doctor and finally be able to hear the babies heart beat. Marysa came with me. As I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor the moment he opened the door my heart sank.

He searched for the heart beat but could not hear it. So he took me to another room to see if we could find it on the ultra sound. It was a old machine so he sent me clear across town to get a better ultra sound done. The ultra sound tech could not find one.

The baby grew to about 11 weeks 4 days. I am 13 weeks 4 days. I will have a D&C on Thursday.

I want to say that I will be okay. I am not sure. My heart aches so bad. This is my 3rd miscarriage I know what to expect. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening to me? Did I do something wrong?

Questions lots and lots of questions. So many feeling. I keep thinking what if I Can't do this.

So please be patient with me while I am going through this trial. I will try to have faith.

Ironic thing is coming Sunday at church I was suppose to give a talk on adversity. I will not be doing that now that would just be way to hard. Last night I read 4 articles from the May Ensign on Adversity. I went to bed crying thinking how awful I handle my last miscarriage how I was so angry and bitter. Thinking how can I do this talk when I failed so bad last time I miscarried. I hope I get it right the 3rd time around. I want to say that I can handle it. I am not sure.