Heart ache

Yes, here I go again to write about something that is hurting.  I have been thinking about why I have been so sad for.   At this moment my heart aches.   I wonder if  ourselves can bring up feelings from the past.  I just realized that 8 years ago on the 11th of March I found out that my baby had died.  Yes I was only 14 weeks pregnant but my baby had died.  On the 18th of March I delivered to me a prefect beautiful baby.  My heart was so broken.  

Yes,  I maybe crazy, but Andrew and I started trying to get pregnant again.   When and if I do it will be my 9th pregnancy and hopefully my 6th child.  Yesterday I found out I wasn't pregnant.  My heart aches.  I have had feeling that another child is to come to our family.  I have had these feelings come right before I found out I had a brain tumor.

I remember thinking why I kept having these feelings that a child was to come to our house when I new something was wrong with me.  I had this thought that came to me was yes, something is wrong but you will get better fast and this spirit will still come to you.   About 2 weeks later I found out I had a brain tumor.  So even though we have only be trying for the last 3 months,  it feels a lot longer than that.  I had to wait while I recovered from my brain surgery.

Anyways it still makes my heart ache.  I wonder if I am feeling more heart ache because of two things not being pregnant and remembering the loss of my 2nd miscarriage.

I am off to play basketball.  That always seems to help.

I am feeling broken.

I feel so broken.  I feel sad.  I feel anger.   I feel hurt.  I feel pain. 

Yesterday, was hard.  Oh it was so hard.   I feel like I am nothing special.  Like I am worthless. 

We are to feel so good at church.  We are to feel peace.  We are to feel loved.  No I didn't feel any of it.  I felt stupid.  I felt that the church doesn't want me.   I feel the church doesn't need me.  I feel the church sees me broken.  I feel the church does think I have potential.  I am useless.  I am just not really needed. 

I guess I should tell the story.  The story is just me.  The story is my thoughts alone. 

I have out of young women's for 14 years now.  For the last 14 years I have been in relief society.  I have never been called to serve in Young Women's or Primary.  I did serve in nursery for about 6 months.  I am starting to wonder why the Lord doesn't want me  to have any of these callings.  It so breaks my heart when I see others in them.   I get jealous, when women younger than me are called as presidents in these callings.  Crazy I know.  Yet that is how I feel. 

I have heard well you have a large family, little kids.  Maybe this would work if every mother with little kids wasn't allowed in primary or young women's.  So what I  must also suck at being a mom. 

What really got to me was seeing how this lady in my ward who just moved in became a teacher in primary and is able to be a girls camp director.  She is like me as in she had kids.  It hurts.  I don't want it to.  It does hurt.    I makes me feel like I am just  not good enough.  I must be broken.  I am not strong enough. 

What also happened is Andrew's primary partner moved.  So I was asked to sit in with Andrew while he teaches.  Anyways that Sunday I sat with Andrew's  class during primary time so that Andrew could go to priesthood.  The next day Andrew get a call and he is told that he is being released.   He was told that they want us to take the Family Relations class during Sunday school.  

One I feel like Andrew was released because the didn't really want me in the primary.  Two because they must think that Andrew and I have a really bad family relations.  I have already taken that class once or twice.  

A while back someone in Sacrament meeting was talking and was saying that when he became a I think it was a elders quorum president he felt over whelmed.  Than he said but I knew the Lord saw potential in me.  You know the thought that came to me was.  There is your answer you are not becoming anything because the Lord sees no potential in you.  Yes that is answer that come in sacrament meeting.  I know it was most likely satan.  But still. 

I feel like everyone sees me as broken, as worthless, as not good at anything.  That is how I feel about myself.  I wish I didn't feel like that at church.  But lately that is where I feel it the most.    I just want to cry.   I know I should still go yet I hate how I felt yesterday.   I am not sure what to do?   Maybe I really am broken and I really do not have any potential. 

I feel like I am at war with satan.  I feel it.  I feel it strongly at church.  I know that satan doesn't want me to go to church.  He might win.  I am getting tired of the war.  I did not like how I felt at church.  Look at how powerful satan is.  He made me feel  awful at church.  As of this moment he has won.  I may not go to church.  I don't want to feel that broken anymore. 

Some days I am sure Heavenly Father loves me.  However some days I feel like he may love me yet he sees no potential in me.

Maybe I should not have written this.  But I feel so broken.  I am hoping that someone might be able to help me.

Life

Wow, it has been 2 months since I wrote on my blog. 

Not exactly sure why I haven't written on my blog for 2 months.   Life is busy.   Life has been hard emotionally for me, the last few months.  I have good days and I have bad days.   I think I am just getting tired of having eye problems and the left side of  my face is numb yet it hurts all day long.  It feels like I have been hit in the face.  It feels like it does when your hand is a sleep.  Most days are good, but some days I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep all day so that I don't feel the pain anymore.   The pain is just getting worse, which is good.  It means my 5th nerve is starting to heal.  It heals slowly.  I heard it can take about 2 years fully heal.    The good news is if you look at the picture just below you can see that my left eye fully moves now.  Remember how for a few months after my surgery the left eye would not move.  It moves, it fully moves.  Bad news is that my eye still doesn't tear up, and I mostly still can't feel if anything gets in my eye.  I can feel when my eye burns or feels really puffy.  I do feel blessed that my eye's movement is good.    So now that I have complained let me show you what has been going one.

Azalea at school had a kiddy 500 day.   The teacher told us that we had to make something that moved.  It could be a bus, car, train, jet or a horse.   It had to be something that moves.  Azalea wanted a horse.  So Azalea and I made a horse, she loves it.  It turned out so cute.

Azalea named her horse Lily.   It looks like Lily was taking a break to get a eat.


Azalea loves showing off her horse Lily.

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Lily must be so hungry.  Azalea is helping her eat.

Caleb played basketball these past 2 months.   He did pretty well.  He was the tallest on his team.  He has a lot of fun playing.

His team won there last game by 26 points.  This was really good for his team.  His team usually lost by 26 points.  He did well.  He scored 2 points.  Rebounded really good.  He passed good.  I sure love that he likes basketball.  Basketball is my favorite sport.  I love playing it. 

I canned chicken.  It was fun.  My sister and I both canned chicken.  My mother in law was wonderful and got me a pressure cooker for Christmas.  Canning the chicken was the first time I had used the pressure cooker she got me.   My family like canned chicken.  It is nice to have especially when you are in a big hurry to cook dinner. 

Eli turned 18 months on February 20th.  I can not believe he is 18 months already.  Time sure does fly by.  Eli is a handful.  He is a mommy's boy.  He loves watching his dad and I cook.  He loves playing in the kitchen.   He loves it so much it feels like it is going to be a great chief one day.  He isn't really talking yet.  He babbles all the time.  He really hasn't even called me mom yet.  He says ma ma when he wants a drink of milk.   He points to a lot of stuff and if he wants to go somewhere he tries to pull be up and once I am up he pushes me to where he wants to go. 

Josh is Josh.  He loves to Josh you.  You know joke with you.   He is one handsome boy.

We went and bought us a trampoline.  Okay I went and bought us a trampoline.  The kids love it.   It is a good thing that this years winter has been so mild.  Some days here if feels like spring outside. Which makes it so the kids can jump on it.  The trampoline came with a netting around it. 

All the kids love jumping on it, even Eli.

 

Marysa looks like she is hitting Caleb in the face.   She didn't it just looks like it.

This is a picture of Marysa falling back on the trampoline.  What I love about this picture is that she looks headless. 





Marysa loves to play basketball.  I waited to long and I wasn't able to sign her up.  She had played volleyball and so we signed Caleb up first we had just enough money to sign him up.  I went to sign her up once Andrew got payed again, but it was to late.  They said all the teams where full.

Marysa fell in love with it the first time she ever played.  One night my stake had a open court basketball night so we went and played and she fell in love.  For someone just starting she is doing well.  She is shooting good.  She loves to dribble.  I see a great basketball star in her.  I love that she loves it.   

The question is:

Does the short hair look cute on me? 

 

To end this long post I want to show off my cute fabric hair bow that I made and my very handsome 18 month old son Eli. 

How life has been.

Life has been really good.  I am recovering really well from my brain tumor removal surgery.  I am physically feeling back to normal.  My hair is growing so fast at least that is what everyone keeps telling me.  For me my hair is  only needs to grow about 3 more inches or so and I will love it.  

Funny thing is right before my surgery, I remember looking in the mirror and saying I wish I could just shave all my hair off.  I think this was the Lords way of helping me get ready for all my hair to be shaved off.  However I do  LOVE short hair.  I like my hair about the length it is right now, however you can still see my scar and I don't like that so much.  I love wearing bows and headband I have made for my hair.  

Here are some cute pictures of me. 

Here is a picture of my eye's if you noticed on the first picture my eye is starting to move left.  I am super excited.  I thought that would take the longest to heal and it is healing quicker to heal than my left side of my face being not numb anymore.  What also makes me excited is that my eye does have the 6th nerve.  The doctor was never sure I did after I had surgery because he could not see the nerve.  Yea my eye is starting to move again.

Eli is getting so BIG.  He is now 16 months old.  He is starting to climb on everything.  He now running.  He loves to laugh.  I ask him to kiss me and he gives me a big hug instead.  He just got four molars in the back of his mouth.  He either moves or sleeps.  In other words he is a very, very active baby/toddler.  The other day I could hear him playing in the kitchen I thought he was playing with the dishes, like he always does.  I go in there and check on him and he had gotten somehow into the fridge and took out the eggs and broke all of them.  Not only that but he but some in his mouth.  Yuck.  Yes I had to take a picture.  Eli loves eggs and it looks like he enjoyed them raw too.  

The kids are just having fun together.  We went to a line dancing party that our stake had.  It was a lot of fun. Even Joshua lined danced.  It was a lot of fun.  Our stake will be doing it again in January.  The sports stake director is hoping to be able to have line dancing party once a month.   

The picture on the right is of the girls trying to tackle Caleb.  They had fun TRYING.  

Marysa has been super busy too.  She just finished playing volleyball.  She played really well.  I love watching her play volleyball.  She also sings in the school choir plus she has achievement days every other week.  She loves being involved in lots of stuff.  She is just getting bigger to fast.  She is one beautiful girl.  

 Caleb and Marysa are in there school Barnett's school choir.  They had a December choir concert.  I really enjoyed seeing them sing.  I like that they both like being in it.

Funny thing is that i was looking over the choir memeber's names, looking for Caleb and Marysa's name.  I looked and looked and I could not find Caleb's name at all.  I was really sad thinking that they forgot to put his name on the paper.  I finally found it and guess what it was the first name on the list.

Caleb and Marysa singing.

 Caleb has been busy.  He will be playing basketball soon.  He went to a team tryout.  The boys all show what they can do and than all the coaches get together and choose who they would like on there team.  Caleb did well at the tryout and 2 coaches came up to Caleb and asked him what his name was.

He also gave a oral report at school about Russia.  He did a real good job.  He did a power point presentation, which he did all by himself.  I am so proud of him.  He is growing up so fast.   My 11 year old is now taller than me.  I knew that one day he would be taller than me I just didn't think it would happen at the young age of 11.

I don't have any pictures yet but Caleb broke his wrist.  The brake is very small.  Azalea lost one of her front teeth.  Azalea is one smart girl.  It amazes me how smart she is.  She learns everything so quick.  I am sure she will be smarter than me by time she is  done with kindergarten.  

On Sunday Andrew and I where running a little late so we sent Marysa and Caleb without us to church so that they could save us a spot.  Josh and Azalea where not happy and took off running to catch up with them. Even though I told them no.   I wasn't happy about it but I did know that Caleb and Marysa would watch them.  I really couldn't chase them because I was outside with Eli and I could not leave him alone to catch them.  

Anyways Andrew and I get to Church a few minute after they arrived and I see Caleb, Marysa and Joshua out in the hall way.  I asked where Azalea was and they said in the chapel.   I walk in there and there is Azalea saving a row for us.  It was the 2nd row up front.  Not only that but she had the hymn book opened up to the right page that the congregation was singing.  Page 177.   I was impressed most of the kindergartners her age are still learning how to count to 100.  She knows how to count above 100.   Not only that she was on the right page.  She was also being really reverent.   

Wow,  life has been good.  I am so blessed.

Azalea turned 6 years old.

Wow, Azalea 3 days ago you turned 6 years old.   I am so happy I get to be your mother.  Your dad and I waited along time for you.  It took us about 1 1/2 to get pregnant with you.  That has been one of the hardest 1 1/2 years of my life.  I am so grateful that you came to this family.  We are so blessed to have you.  

You started kindergarten this past August.  You are doing really well.  You are learning to read and write so quickly.  You can already spell the words horse and bus.  You the other day wrote a note saying I like a horse.  You can count to 100 already.  I love that you love school.  

This picture was taken the day after you turned 6.  

Here is a picture of you just minutes after you where born.  I think this is such a cute picture.   You where 9lbs even when you where born.

Here is a  picture of you a day after you where born.    

                                                          Here you are at about 1 month old.

                                                Here you are at 6 months old.

Here you are at a year old.  I think your little brother Eli who is 15 months old looks so much like you when you where one.

  Here you are at 2 years old.

                                                        Here you are a little over 3 years old.

                                                         Here you are at 4 years old.

Here you are a couple days before you turn 5.

Here you are about 1 week after you turned 5.  You had your hair cut because you had cut it. 

                  Here  you are at 5 1/2 with even shorter hair because again you had cut it . However no matter how short your hair is you always look beautiful.

Your fifth year of life was a little difficult for you.  At 5 1/2 years old you had to have your appendix removed.   You did so well though.   You recovered quickly so you where back climbing and jumping off everything.

You had a great birthday this year.   I love you so much

Happy Birthday Azalea.