5 years ago today .

As I sit and think about what happened five years ago today. Which I have been doing all week long. I am usually lying in bed when I think about this heart breaking event. I find my self crying again, I find myself feeling the pain again.

It seems like every night this past week I have been thinking about how I would write about this loss that I had. Should I tell the whole story. Should I tell how I really feel about my loss.

Yes I am going to write about my miscarriage so if you are tired of hearing me talk about it please do not read any more.

I will start with my story.

We found out we were pregnant the very beginning of January 2004. I was nervous because I was due on Sept 12 2004 and 5 years before that I was also pregnant and due on Sept 11, 1999. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

I went for a ultra sound on the exact day that I had miscarried the time before. I remember thinking I made it past 10 weeks and during the ultra sound the babies heart beat seemed to high for me something just seemed off. I just shrugged off the feeling because the ultra sound tech said it was fine.

Everything seemed to be going well. I went to my 12 week check up and the midwife could not find the heart beat. She said not to worry that sometimes they just can not find it at 12 weeks. She could tell that I was up set and she told me to come back in 2 weeks.

So time passed and it was time to go to the doctor again. I was excited because I just new that they were going to find the heart beat. Andrew, Caleb and Marysa were coming with me to the midwife appointment. We packed a lunch and ate it one the grass at the doctors office.

Time came to hear the heart beat. They could not find it. At this time I am still sure that the baby is just hiding. The midwife wants me to go and have a ultra sound. The soonest appointment is about 2 hours away. Andrew needs to go to work and so I call my mom to pick up the kids. This leaves me by myself. As I am sitting there I come to realize that my baby is dead. The nurse sees that I am upset and she stays with me the rest of the time.

I remember laying on the ultra sound table just praying that they find a heart beat. They do not. In that moment my heart breaks. I have just learned that my baby is dead.

I go back to the midwife office and they ask if I want a d&c or if I want to see if I can pass the baby myself. My brother Chad was getting married in two weeks so I chose to have a D&C.

The catch it was going to have to wait a week. So for one week I walk around with a dead baby inside. It was the hardest week of my life.

Life stopped yet it continued.

So the morning of the D&C which is was on March 18th 2004. I woke up in labor. I was having contractions 1 minute apart. My mom and I head to the hospital. It was my mom because Andrew was just starting a new job. My mother in law watched my kids for me.

By the time I got into the pre opp room My contractions hurt so bad. Just as I was about to get into bed. I believe my water broke. I climbed into bed and about 5minutes later I pushed the baby out.

I saw my baby. Oh how perfect she looked. She was so tiny. ( I feel like the baby was a girl. I never did find out what the baby was). She had finger nails and toe nails. All I could think was how perfect she was. I am so glad that I was able to see her. I know that Heavenly Father was guiding the whole think. I really did not want a D&C because I really wanted to know what my baby looked like. It was a good thing that it happened at the hospital because my placenta was stuck and I need a D&C to remove it.

Here comes the part that might offend some.

I had just lost a baby. This baby was my baby. I had just lost a Child. A child I was not able to hold a child I never got to kiss. A child that only lived in side of me for 15 weeks. Oh how my heart ached. The support I needed was not there.

Not only did I lose a baby but relationships became strained. Some still are.
How I want to scream I had a baby and She died. By the way I named her Valerie Grace. She has the same initials as Andrews grandma Shanley. Who passed away that September she was too be born.

I truly feel that I have lost a child. Is my sorrow less than that of someone who has lost a living child. I believe not. Yet I had no funeral, I was not able to cry on any ones shoulders. I was not able to see others morning over the loss of this child too. It was only I.

It has been five years and I still cry over the fact that I really had no support. I still feel like no one understands. Except maybe Becky. No one wants me to talk about her. I can't even have a conversation about what happened and not have someone take offence by it.

I wish others could Just see that I truly lost a child. This child is always in my thoughts. She would be almost five.

I have this memory box that I made for her. It has the pregnancy test in it. Some flowers that were given to me. The two notes that I received. The little blanket that the hospital gave me. It has the story of what happened.

It had a letter that I wrote to her on the day she would have been born.

I would like to share that now.

Baby ottosen

Today is September 12, 2004
Today is the day you should have been born. Today we should be in the hospital . Today I should be holding you, counting your toes and feeding you with my breast.

Six months ago your little heart stopped beating the doctor said it was a chromosomal error.

I spent 15 weeks with you growing inside. I never felt you move inside. I don't know if you are a boy or a girl. I never got to hold you . I did see you, even though you were so little you seemed so perfect.

You are my baby and I love you and I miss you. You have a great big brother and sister. They would have loved you so much. Daddy loves you too. One day we will get to meet you and give you hugs and kisses and we can give you a name. I want you to know that I will never forget you.

Love, Mom



I am so sorry for those who I have offended. I should be able to say that I lost a child and I should be able to talk about her. I will not forget about her.


With all that said. I must share my testimony.
I know with out a doubt that My Father in Heaven was watching out for me. The timing of everything is proof of that. I was angry at Him for a long time. I new that I needed to continue going to Church because if I didn't go because I had just lost this baby that I might not ever go back. I continued to go. I was angry but I still talked with Him.

It was a very hard year. I think that it has taken me 5 years to truly trust the Lord again. I am striving harder to pay my tithing. We are striving to read our Scriptures as a family. I am once again starting to have hope again. Hope is something that I have not had in a long time.
The Lord had been patient with me. Even at times when felt he was not there I now know He was.
He knew that this was going to be hard. But He knew that I could do hard things. I wish I could say that I made it threw this trial with out complaint and with out anger. I did not. I know that the Lord still loves me. He has since blessed my life with two more Children. I look at all my kids with awe. They are amazing people. They are my joy.
I want to thank My Father in Heaven for my dear Children and husband. In our darkest moments we need to know that he is watching out for us.

One extra note. Valerie means strong and grace means grace. I had to use all my strength to get threw this and when my strength was no more . Gods grace stepped in.