Triggers

It has been almost 11 months since I miscarried. I sit and think is that all it has been 11 months. I am doing good. Really good and not just because I am pregnant again. I had reached the acceptance part of grief, with my miscarriage before I even found out I was pregnant with Eli.

Yet there are still things that can trigger a breakdown for a moment or two. It is usually something someone says. Or it might be seeing a baby that is the same age as your child should be.

The thing is and I have done it too. The people who usually say something to you are the people that love you the most. It is usually your family. Family members who have not been through one themselves. Sometimes even when you have been through one you still can offend other people who have been through one.

Case in point back in November when someone I loved suffered a miscarriage I was more concerned about why she didn't tell me than what she must be feeling. I could sit here and justify why I felt that way. I could say I was having a bad day the day I found out and was still dealing with my own miscarriage. For me one of the things that might make going through this tough trial is knowing that I hopefully would be able to help someone go through it. Mourn with those who mourn. None of those reasons matter what matters is that I did not say the right thing.

Everyone handles miscarriages differently. Where I wear it on my sleeve. Everyone always knows how I am feeling. Others do not and they want to mourn in the privacy of there own bedroom. Neither is wrong. Just because you can see my pain and not another does not mean it isn't there.

I wish it was simpler in someways it would be easier if we all mourned the same way. We would not judge or look and someone and think they are handling it better than another. Some can mourn for just days where others it is months or even years.

What I have realized with this last trigger (someone saying how I was selfish during my mourning process) brings up somethings that I thought I had come to terms with.

One being what people can say about how you handled your grief. Or even how I handle what my beliefs are about my baby. Which my belief is that all my baby need was that little body of 13 weeks and that I will see him again and that he is in heaven waiting for me.

If you feel differently do not tell me. Allow me to believe what I need to. Don't go and tell me how I should or should not mourn. I had every right to mourn. By denying me the right to mourn is saying I did not have a baby. I may not have see the baby or held the baby or kissed my baby but I did have one growing inside of me. He only grew to about 13 weeks but he did grow inside of me.

Sorry about my little rant there. But I felt like I endured this last miscarriage with more hope, faith, understanding of Gods plan than I had either of my other 2 miscarriages. Yes it was really really hard, but I felt like I had over come my miscarriage that I had endured the grief proses. That I had gone emotionally to a really dark place and I could have stayed there but I chose not. Just not once through the grief but multiple times. Yes my kids saw me cry. They also saw that I made it through the grief. That I was sad but that I was once again happy. I am sure seeing me grieving was hard for them. Why is mommy crying for? Why is mommy still crying? Plus during all of the grief we moved into a home. The kids had to say good bye to there friends. They had to say good bye to they only place that they had ever lived or only place the remembered. They had to start at a new school. Yea I am going to say that it was hard on my kids too. We all made it. We all endured it, it was not easy. I am not sorry that my kids saw me cry nor will I ever be, because they all saw that I made it. I will allow my kids to talk about my miscarriages. I do not believe in them hiding there feelings.

So don't tell me I was selfish when I was grieving. I handled it the best I knew how. When I wasn't sure I was handling well I choose to go to a therapist to help me. Which she did help in a lot of ways.

What I learned was is that I had bad days but I also had good day. That made all the difference you tend to look for the good days. At first they were only once in awhile. But now most days are good. But every once in awhile I will have a bad day. Triggers I call them. When I have a bad day don't tell me that I have not gotten "over" my miscarriage. It isn't about getting over it is about accepting it. Yes I have accepted it but it does not mean I won't still have a sad day now and then.

Myself included we just need to watch what we say. Not judge and remember everyone handles grief differently.