8 is Great

Happy 8th Birthday Marysa.
Marysa. What can I say about Marysa. First we love her so much. She adds drama to our family. She is the only one of my kids who have not needed early intervention for speech. She has been talking since she was one. She has always had something to say. She still does. She lets you know exactly how she feels.
Marysa underneath all that drama really has a sweet heart. She really does care for her brothers and sister. She is very aware of how you feel. She was a big support for me last summer when I miscarried. She is very excited to see her little brother Eli be born later this summer. Yes I am going to let her watch Eli be born.
I am blessed to be Marysa's mother. She has taught me so much. She makes me laugh and she can make me mad. But no matter what I will always love her and always be glad that she is my daughter.

Marysa was born 4 days late. She weighed 8lbs 13oz. This is her new born picture.



Marysa is a year old in this picture.


This is a our very first digital picture ever. Marysa was 2 1/2. You can see some of her fiesty personality in this picture.



Marysa is about 3 in this picture. This is one of my favorite pictures of her. I just love her eyes in this picture.
Marysa is also about 3 in this pictue.




Marysa is 4 1/2 in this picture.



She is 5 in this picture. This picture was taken on her first day of kindergarten. She just finished 2nd grade. She is reading really well. She loves school, well most days she does.
I love her hair in this picture. She looks really cute with short hair. It is short because her and her friend decided to cut each others hair.



Marysa is 6 1/2 in this picture. It was taken at Christmas time.



Her is Marysa at 7. We had just moved into our new house. The sun was setting just right. I love how she posed just right.




This picture was taken of Marysa about 1 month ago. She really loves our cat winter.

I am super excited for her to be 8. Next saturday she will be getting baptized and becoming a memeber of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She is a bit nervous. I think she is really scared that it is going to take 2 tries to Baptize her. She said she had a dream last night about her Baptism and that she only had to be baptized once.

If I have missed anyone who would like to come to Marysa's baptism just make leave a comment and I will give you the address. It is next saturday at 11:00am.

Happy Birthday Marysa. We love you.

Decade Ago.

A decade ago today I became a mother for the first time. 10 years ago today Caleb Nephi Ottosen was born. I was young when I had him. I was 20 1/2. He was a big baby weighing in at 9lbs and 6oz. He was 22 inches long. Today he is still a big boy. His feet are bigger than mine, he is almost as tall as me.

sorry about the poor quality of picture Caleb was born before we went digital. I wish I had more pictures of him as a baby and as a little boy. I do have pictures of him when he was little they are just not on digital pictures.


Here is about 7. It was crazy hair day and since we were going to cut it anyways we thought we would just cut it crazy for one day.


At times the last 10 years have gone by so fast. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time and hold this little boy again in my arms and rock him and kiss him. Okay so he isn't so little anymore. He became a boy so fast to fast. And now he is a pre-teen.
He is a great son. He is a awesome big brother. He is kind. He has a very tender heart. He loves to help people. He likes science and Math. He hates to read, only because he has a really hard time with it. He loves to play soccer. He is such a boy sometimes. Just this morning we was like "mom since it is my birthday do I really need to take a shower. I responded with well if you don't you might smell and kids might make fun of you. He responded with "I don't care." I said okay but make sure you put deodorant on. Such a boy to rather stink than have to take a shower.

I feel like I am starting the 2nd half of his childhood/teen years. I am really scared. It seems like it is about this age that kids start to be mean to each other. He has one of the purest hearts ever. He has a very special spirit about him. I hope he is always like this. I am just scared that his peers are going to be mean and with the meanness take away that pure heart. I have cried ofter with the thought of that. I wish I could just take away and hide him from all of the crap that can come with your teenage years. Not that the teenage years are all crap. But we all know that they can be hard years.

Caleb made me a mom. I am so happy that I get to be his mom.

Happy Birthday Caleb.

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua

Joshua was 7lbs 13 oz when he was born. A whole pound smaller than any of my previous babies.




Here he is at his 1st birthday party.




This picture was taken shortly after he turned 2.




This picture was just a couple of weeks ago. His hair in the last two weeks has gotten really curly.


Happy Birthday Joshua.
Joshua is my tender mercy for Heavenly Father. As many of you know it took almost 2 1/2 years for Azalea to join our Family. It was a lot of heartache in getting Azalea here. When she was about 7 months we decide to try for number four. After all it took over a year to get pregnant with her after we miscarried. To our surprise it only took 2 months. Which was a big shock to me. I believe one of the reasons Joshua came to our family so easily was because of the heart ache of getting Azalea her and also the heart ache of getting our soon to be baby boy Eli here. I believe that the Lord knew what was ahead me, and was giving me a "break" from heartache. That is why he is my tender Mercy from Heavenly Father.

I can not explain how much I love this little boy. I love him more everyday. He makes me laugh and smile every single day. Josh is every one's favorite. I love the way he pulls my head into give me a hug and kisses. I love how he sucks his finger and twirls his hair at the same time. (I took him to the dentist the other day and the dentist said that he has great teeth and that you can't even tell he sucks his finger yet.)

I couldn't imagine life with out him. He adds so much to our family. He is very easy going, always has been. He doesn't seem to get angry very often. He smiles all the time, another thing he has always done.

He is differently a mama's boy. I am not looking forward to the fact that he will love someone else more than me someday. I am so blessed that I get to be Joshua's mother.

He currently loves anything to do with cars. He is usually carrying one around.
He is 33 lbs and is in the 66% for weight.
He is 37 3/4 inches tall and is in the 49% for height.
He is struggling with his speech.
He can climb just about anything.
He not yet potty trained. I am okay with that.
He loves fruit and vegetables.
He likes to tease.
He loves our cats winter and Lady to much.

Happy Birthday Joshua, we love you.

Triggers

It has been almost 11 months since I miscarried. I sit and think is that all it has been 11 months. I am doing good. Really good and not just because I am pregnant again. I had reached the acceptance part of grief, with my miscarriage before I even found out I was pregnant with Eli.

Yet there are still things that can trigger a breakdown for a moment or two. It is usually something someone says. Or it might be seeing a baby that is the same age as your child should be.

The thing is and I have done it too. The people who usually say something to you are the people that love you the most. It is usually your family. Family members who have not been through one themselves. Sometimes even when you have been through one you still can offend other people who have been through one.

Case in point back in November when someone I loved suffered a miscarriage I was more concerned about why she didn't tell me than what she must be feeling. I could sit here and justify why I felt that way. I could say I was having a bad day the day I found out and was still dealing with my own miscarriage. For me one of the things that might make going through this tough trial is knowing that I hopefully would be able to help someone go through it. Mourn with those who mourn. None of those reasons matter what matters is that I did not say the right thing.

Everyone handles miscarriages differently. Where I wear it on my sleeve. Everyone always knows how I am feeling. Others do not and they want to mourn in the privacy of there own bedroom. Neither is wrong. Just because you can see my pain and not another does not mean it isn't there.

I wish it was simpler in someways it would be easier if we all mourned the same way. We would not judge or look and someone and think they are handling it better than another. Some can mourn for just days where others it is months or even years.

What I have realized with this last trigger (someone saying how I was selfish during my mourning process) brings up somethings that I thought I had come to terms with.

One being what people can say about how you handled your grief. Or even how I handle what my beliefs are about my baby. Which my belief is that all my baby need was that little body of 13 weeks and that I will see him again and that he is in heaven waiting for me.

If you feel differently do not tell me. Allow me to believe what I need to. Don't go and tell me how I should or should not mourn. I had every right to mourn. By denying me the right to mourn is saying I did not have a baby. I may not have see the baby or held the baby or kissed my baby but I did have one growing inside of me. He only grew to about 13 weeks but he did grow inside of me.

Sorry about my little rant there. But I felt like I endured this last miscarriage with more hope, faith, understanding of Gods plan than I had either of my other 2 miscarriages. Yes it was really really hard, but I felt like I had over come my miscarriage that I had endured the grief proses. That I had gone emotionally to a really dark place and I could have stayed there but I chose not. Just not once through the grief but multiple times. Yes my kids saw me cry. They also saw that I made it through the grief. That I was sad but that I was once again happy. I am sure seeing me grieving was hard for them. Why is mommy crying for? Why is mommy still crying? Plus during all of the grief we moved into a home. The kids had to say good bye to there friends. They had to say good bye to they only place that they had ever lived or only place the remembered. They had to start at a new school. Yea I am going to say that it was hard on my kids too. We all made it. We all endured it, it was not easy. I am not sorry that my kids saw me cry nor will I ever be, because they all saw that I made it. I will allow my kids to talk about my miscarriages. I do not believe in them hiding there feelings.

So don't tell me I was selfish when I was grieving. I handled it the best I knew how. When I wasn't sure I was handling well I choose to go to a therapist to help me. Which she did help in a lot of ways.

What I learned was is that I had bad days but I also had good day. That made all the difference you tend to look for the good days. At first they were only once in awhile. But now most days are good. But every once in awhile I will have a bad day. Triggers I call them. When I have a bad day don't tell me that I have not gotten "over" my miscarriage. It isn't about getting over it is about accepting it. Yes I have accepted it but it does not mean I won't still have a sad day now and then.

Myself included we just need to watch what we say. Not judge and remember everyone handles grief differently.

What is lurking underneath your boys bed?

Count them 3 aliens have taken over the underneath of my boys bunk bed



They look hungry.


Looks like there first victim is a shark. Maybe they scared it to death.



For dessert I think they will feast on Halloween/Easter candy. What is scary is I am not sure which holiday it is from.




Or maybe they are just looking for there lost Christmas tree light.




This looks like the top of the spaceship.

This looks like the bottom of the spaceship. I sure hope since they have feasted and found there lost light that they will be fixing there ship and leaving real soon.



Really it is just 3 potatoes that have taken over. The "legs have grown so big they are starting to grow through the bottom of the bed.