This is the only picture I have of my baby. I don't know for sure if it was a boy or a girl. MY feelings tell me that it was a little boy. I have named this baby Scott Mason after my grandfather Oscar Mason.
He looks so cute in this ultra sound. Oh how I wish I had the chance to hold him. To see him. To nurse him. To kiss his sweet little face. Oh how my heart has ached the last month. How empty my heart feels.
My thoughts over the last month have been all over the place. At time I have even thought that this little boy didn't want me to be his mommy. I have experienced grief to its fullest this last month. I have been angry, I have been depressed, I have been in denial. My heart at times feels like it is being torn in a million peaces at times.
I have had a few days of peace. I have had peace one minute and the next I feel like I am about to lose it.
My kids have seen me cry. Marysa is always there to hug me. My kids have seen me cry a lot. I am feel bad that they have to see me go through this.
I have been to the temple many times. I am looking for answers but I have not gotten any yet. I think I am just not ready to hear.
Andrew has given me three beautiful priesthood blessings. The first one was right before my d&c. The second one was just a few days after the d&c and I couldn't sleep,so he gave me a blessing that I would be able to sleep and I was. The third one was just this past Sunday I had been having a hard time. He said very firmly that I would have more kids. This had weighed heavily on my mind.
At times I am not sure I have the strength to go threw this again. I am scared. It was so hard last time. I barely made it through. I feel like I missed a whole year. I feel like I lost friends because of how I handled it.
I do know that as time goes by that my broken heart will heal. I know that there will always be a part of my heart that misses my babies. I know that I will always think of what might have been. I know that I still have to travel this road some more.
I have made a memory box for my sweet baby.
I have included his ultra sound picture. The pregnancy test. The bracelet that my sweet cousin made for me. She made it for me so that even though I know longer have my baby that when I wear the bracelet part of him will be with me. It means so much to me that I can not wear it because I would be afraid I would lose it. I have the roses my relief society teacher gave me. I have the box of the figurine that my home teacher gave me. I have the cards that people have sent me. I have the booties from the hospital that I wore when I had the d&c done. I have an outfit that I bought for the baby. It has the picture that my kids drew for me.
My friend in my ward gave me a bush to plant so that I will have something else to remember the baby by.
I put a rainbow on top of the box as to remind me of the hope of what is to come after the rain is gone.
I am so grateful for all the support that I have received. All the hugs, all the prayers, all of the kind words, all of the people who will sit and listen to me just talk and work out my frustrations.
I still need prayers. I still need to be able to talk about losing by baby. I am not sure what this road has in store for me. I have a feeling of what I am suppose to learn from this experience. I just hope I can come out of this a stronger person and with a stronger faith in our Heavenly Father.
