Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Heart ache

Yes, here I go again to write about something that is hurting.  I have been thinking about why I have been so sad for.   At this moment my heart aches.   I wonder if  ourselves can bring up feelings from the past.  I just realized that 8 years ago on the 11th of March I found out that my baby had died.  Yes I was only 14 weeks pregnant but my baby had died.  On the 18th of March I delivered to me a prefect beautiful baby.  My heart was so broken.  

Yes,  I maybe crazy, but Andrew and I started trying to get pregnant again.   When and if I do it will be my 9th pregnancy and hopefully my 6th child.  Yesterday I found out I wasn't pregnant.  My heart aches.  I have had feeling that another child is to come to our family.  I have had these feelings come right before I found out I had a brain tumor.

I remember thinking why I kept having these feelings that a child was to come to our house when I new something was wrong with me.  I had this thought that came to me was yes, something is wrong but you will get better fast and this spirit will still come to you.   About 2 weeks later I found out I had a brain tumor.  So even though we have only be trying for the last 3 months,  it feels a lot longer than that.  I had to wait while I recovered from my brain surgery.

Anyways it still makes my heart ache.  I wonder if I am feeling more heart ache because of two things not being pregnant and remembering the loss of my 2nd miscarriage.

I am off to play basketball.  That always seems to help.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I am feeling broken.

I feel so broken.  I feel sad.  I feel anger.   I feel hurt.  I feel pain. 

Yesterday, was hard.  Oh it was so hard.   I feel like I am nothing special.  Like I am worthless. 

We are to feel so good at church.  We are to feel peace.  We are to feel loved.  No I didn't feel any of it.  I felt stupid.  I felt that the church doesn't want me.   I feel the church doesn't need me.  I feel the church sees me broken.  I feel the church does think I have potential.  I am useless.  I am just not really needed. 

I guess I should tell the story.  The story is just me.  The story is my thoughts alone. 

I have out of young women's for 14 years now.  For the last 14 years I have been in relief society.  I have never been called to serve in Young Women's or Primary.  I did serve in nursery for about 6 months.  I am starting to wonder why the Lord doesn't want me  to have any of these callings.  It so breaks my heart when I see others in them.   I get jealous, when women younger than me are called as presidents in these callings.  Crazy I know.  Yet that is how I feel. 

I have heard well you have a large family, little kids.  Maybe this would work if every mother with little kids wasn't allowed in primary or young women's.  So what I  must also suck at being a mom. 

What really got to me was seeing how this lady in my ward who just moved in became a teacher in primary and is able to be a girls camp director.  She is like me as in she had kids.  It hurts.  I don't want it to.  It does hurt.    I makes me feel like I am just  not good enough.  I must be broken.  I am not strong enough. 

What also happened is Andrew's primary partner moved.  So I was asked to sit in with Andrew while he teaches.  Anyways that Sunday I sat with Andrew's  class during primary time so that Andrew could go to priesthood.  The next day Andrew get a call and he is told that he is being released.   He was told that they want us to take the Family Relations class during Sunday school.  

One I feel like Andrew was released because the didn't really want me in the primary.  Two because they must think that Andrew and I have a really bad family relations.  I have already taken that class once or twice.  

A while back someone in Sacrament meeting was talking and was saying that when he became a I think it was a elders quorum president he felt over whelmed.  Than he said but I knew the Lord saw potential in me.  You know the thought that came to me was.  There is your answer you are not becoming anything because the Lord sees no potential in you.  Yes that is answer that come in sacrament meeting.  I know it was most likely satan.  But still. 

I feel like everyone sees me as broken, as worthless, as not good at anything.  That is how I feel about myself.  I wish I didn't feel like that at church.  But lately that is where I feel it the most.    I just want to cry.   I know I should still go yet I hate how I felt yesterday.   I am not sure what to do?   Maybe I really am broken and I really do not have any potential. 

I feel like I am at war with satan.  I feel it.  I feel it strongly at church.  I know that satan doesn't want me to go to church.  He might win.  I am getting tired of the war.  I did not like how I felt at church.  Look at how powerful satan is.  He made me feel  awful at church.  As of this moment he has won.  I may not go to church.  I don't want to feel that broken anymore. 

Some days I am sure Heavenly Father loves me.  However some days I feel like he may love me yet he sees no potential in me.

Maybe I should not have written this.  But I feel so broken.  I am hoping that someone might be able to help me.