Friday, June 11, 2010

Last year not a dream, this morning it was just a dream.

I wasn't really planning on writing about what happened a year ago today. Nobody really cares. I am sure most are tired of hearing about it anyways. Of course I am assuming all of this. After all life for the most part is good. My kids are healthy my little boy growing inside of me is doing well. All though I am measuring 6 weeks ahead. So the doctor wants a ultra sound done on my doctors appointment. My blood sugars are really good to. No need for insulin just yet. Best part is I get to feel Eli move inside of me. It feels so good. Everytime he does it is like he is saying to me Mom I am well and alive. He always seems to know when I start getting worried because he kicks me and reasures me.

This morning however I woke up to a really awful dream. It was a miscarriage dream. I remember in the dream I was in the hospital having a miscarriage. I remember delivering the baby and than someone handing the baby to me. It was super tiny just the size of my palm of my hand. The baby looked alot like the one I miscarried prier to the one last year. In the dream they were not sure if it was a boy or a girl. I do remember saying we were going to name him Eli. Which everyone knows is what we are going to name the little boy I am pregnant with.

So anyways a year ago today I miscarried. I had a D&C. It kind of bothers me that I had that dream this morning. The morning of my one year anniversary. I over analize alot of stuff. Which I am doing right now. I am trying to make since of it.

My first reaction is that I never was able to see that baby and maybe I want some closure. Maybe it was me having a bad dream so that I could wake up and say oh it was just a bad dream it wasn't real. Like it was last year. Is my subconscious telling me something. I have been putting the miscarriage in the back of my mind. Trying to forget it. Thinking no one cares everyone is tired of me talking about them anyways. Maybe even though I have come to accept what happened I still do and always will need to be able to talk about the babies I have lost. That is just how I am I can't just pretend it never happened. Last summer was really really hard. But I made it through it. I should be proud that I did. Did I complain yes. No matter how hard I try I will always remember the day I lost my babies. I will remember it in detail. I can not deny what I went through. Nor should anyone else deny me that right. Not that anyone is. Maybe part of my dream was to remind me that yes I did lose a baby last year and I have the right today to mourn that lose. Which is what I am doing. I don't want to forget. Even though I only carried that baby for 14 weeks he was still mine I still fell in love with him. I may have never felt him kick but he was mine. So today I am saying it has been a year since I lost my baby.

So it should end there but, it bothers me that in the dream I said we were going to name him Eli. Does this dream have two meanings to it. Does it also show how worried I am that something is going to happen to Eli. The closer I get to his due date the more worried I am getting. I am worried about how his birth should go. It all seems so sereal still. That yes in 10 weeks I should be holding a brand new baby sent from heaven. If I trully belive that he will be okay and something goes wrong. Will I be able to handle it. But there is the what ifs going through my mind. I know I should play the what if game. I really try not to but sometime a dream happens and gets you going. THe fears from last year remembering how hard it really was. I am not sure how many people really realize at how hard it got for me. The hard times still really scare me. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I never felt those feelings I had last year with either of my other miscarriages.

Fear is not a good thing. I know that it is of the devil. He worked really hard on me last summer. I think that is why it was so hard last year. It seems he is trying to work on me again. I hate it. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean anything is going to happen to Eli. If anything it just shows how worried I am.

So I had a dream early this morning. A not so good dream. But at least this year it was just a dream.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My boys.

I knew as soon as I took this picture of Joshua it reminded me of the above picture of Caleb. I like how both of there smiles are crooked. These pictures would look really nice in there room. There room is orange and blue.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Marysa's Baptism

Marysa was baptized on June 5th, 2010. It was a very special day. Marysa was baptized by her father Andrew Ottosen. Marysa was really nervous she was worried that she would have to get baptized twice. The last couple of baptism we had been to the person being baptized had to be baptized twice. She even had a dream that she only got baptized once. She did not have to be baptized twice. Every single body part, hair and dress where completely under water. Marysa is my first daughter to be Baptized and I enjoyed watching her being baptized from the stairs into the font. I enjoyed helping her get dressed into her white dress that we got her for after her baptism. It was nice hearing her thought immediately after getting baptized. There was another girl in our ward who was baptized right after Marysa and she had to be baptized twice. Her hand did not go completely under water.

It was really nice having friends and family there to support Marysa on this big day. My parents came in from Texas and my sister and her family came in from Idaho.
Marysa's grandma Tolman my mother gave the talk on Baptism. Marysa's Grandma Cameron her dads mother gave the talk on the gift of the Holy Ghost. We sang When I am Baptized and When Jesus Christ was Baptized. The primary aged children that where there sang I am a Child of God.

After the baptism we had a lunch birthday party for Marysa. It was nice to just sit and talk with friends and family. It was nice seeing all the kids running for candy after the pinata broke.

Marysa was confirmed the following day during Sacrament meeting by her Father Andrew Ottosen. Both Andrew, I and Caleb where all confirmed on Sunday during Sacrament meeting. So I also wanted Marysa Confirmed during sacrament meeting. I really think it adds to Sacrament meeting when people are confirmed and they receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. You can really feel the spirit. It was nice to because most of the testimonies where testimonies people where giving on the Holy Ghost. Marysa was able to set up next to the Bishopric for the whole sacrament meeting. Marysa looks so cute in the dress she was baptized in.

Marya and her dad don't they look so cute.

Our attempt at trying to get a Family Picture before Marysa is Baptized

Marysa with her Great Grandma Tolman. Marysa was named after her Great Grandma Tolman. My grandma's name is Mary Madeline and it is Marysa Madeline. We spelled Marysa's name with a y in it so it also had Mary in her name.

Marysa standing by her birthday cake.

Yet another attempt to get a family picture after the confirmation of Marysa.

This picture is of all of the Priesthood holders that where in the circle when Marysa was confirmed a member and received the Gift of the Holy Ghost. Left to right. Marysa's grandpa Cameron, Marysa's grandpa Tolman, Marysa's Uncle Peter, Marysa's Grandpa Ottosen and Marysa's Dad.

Ottosen Family Picture. Andrews family, his dad and his brother and his wife.

Grandma and Grandpa Cameron with Marysa, Caleb, Azalea and Josh.

Marysa with my Parents. Her grandma and grandpa Tolman Who came all the way from Texas.

The following pictures are of Marysa in her white dress that we got her to where after she was baptized. Which by the way I got at a yard sale. She loves it. The pictures where taken around the neighborhood. I think she looks beautiful in all of these pictures. That is why there are so many.