Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A new addition to our family

This post is done by Andrew:
Before I get to the new addition I want to say that our computer is having issues. We will be without a home computer till sometime next week. Danette is going into withdrawls being able to only talk to kids for a large amount of the day.

Now on to the news of the addition to our family. On Saturday 12/5/2009 we added 2 people to our family. Well . . . we added two kitties. We couldn't decide on just one so that is why we took 2. Their names are winter and lady.

Winter is peaceful. He is happy sitting all day on your lap.

Lady is fiesty. She likes playing with her claws. If the youngest two come near she has taken to playfully reaching for them as they jump back thinking she will claw them. This has become a necessary precaution for her, despite our attempts to control them. They both like our recliner as when they have had enough they can hide in it and the kids can't get them out.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My first loose tooth.

Marysa is going to write about her experience in loosing her first tooth. She waited a long time for this to happen most loose their first tooth when they are about five she is 7 1/2.

My Daddy pulled out my tooth it hurt.I didn't want him to pull my tooth.I tried a apple.when my dad pulled out my tooth it started to bleed. I had to get a paper tall.I had to tack to my grandma Tolman. I had to tack with a paper towel in my mouth .He pulled out my tooth.

Monday, November 9, 2009

My new blog.

I finally did it. I am starting a bog about my creative side. You will find photography, how to make stuff, projects I am going on my home. The list can go on and on. You can find it here

Have a fun time looking.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Jealous of my kids.

I am so jealous of my kids. In more ways than one, but this time of year I am jealous because they get candy. Not that I want that much candy. There is something about going trick or treating that is just thrilling to me.

My husband's work had a trick or treating party at his work. 2 building of trick or treating.

My kids where done trick or treating after about half of the first building.

They were done. I wanted to keep going.

Don't you want more candy. I ask.

No they were done.

I don't think that a 5 gallon ice cream bucket is enough Halloween candy.(At least there is tomorrow too.)

So on the way to our friends house I was like I am so jealous of you kids. I wish that I had my own bucket of candy.

You should have heard my kids giving me the lecture about to much candy. It was quite funny.

My response was it is not about the candy it is about getting the candy.

For a moment I wish I was a kid again. The kid in me at time just wants to come out and play.

So if I ever come to your house to trick or treat just indulge me and give me some candy. If you are ever on a float and I am screaming "I want candy" just through the candy. If you are ever a waiter/waitress at a restaurant and I tell you it is my birthday I am telling you because I want you to sing to me. So sing to me.

Anyone else ever jealous of your kids?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Morning

Today started at 9:11 am. Late I know. My alarm did not go off or maybe I was just sleeping so well on the guest bed with Joshua because he decided to get up at 3:00am.

School starts at 9:00am. Yes my kids were late to school this morning. As we are getting ready Marysa sees the calendar on the fridge and says Thanksgiving is on the 26th of November.

I reply why yes it is.

Marysa well are we going to go to Grandma Cameron's for Thanksgiving?

I reply I don't know.

With desperation in her voice she replies but You don't know how to cook a turkey.

I reply I know how

Marysa: Oh

So already today my cooking skills are question.

We live maybe 200 yards from the school. Marysa does not like to go to school late she does not like everyone staring at her when she walks in late. I really just wanted them to walk to school like they always do. However Marysa would not go unless I walked down with her.

It is a cold morning and I did not feel (lazy) like walking in the cold with 4 kids 200 yards to the school. So I load the kids in the car which we are not driving because the registration has not renewed. SO Andrew had the van, because I was not going to "need" it today. Anyways I had to move the fence over so we could back out the car so I could take them to school. I tried and tried and I could not get that fence to move.

Caleb ask mom I will try and open it.

I reply well I think it is stuck because of the cold weather.

Caleb: I will try anyway.

Guess what he opened it up like it was the easiest thing in the world to open. So now my 9 year old proves to me he is stronger than me. I knew one day my boys would become stronger than me but at 9 come on. His feet are already bigger than mine and he is only about 5 inches shorter than I am.

I should look on the bright side and realize I have another strong man in my life to look out for me.

I just realized that I did not give them lunch money so I need to once again get in the expired car, because it is too cold (lazy) and take the lunch money to my kids.

Maybe this time I will put a bra on.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My 30th Birthday

Today at 4:43 am I turned 30. I can't still believe where have the last 30 years gone. I have been nervous to turn 30 not sure why.

My 29th year has not been the best year for me. I have had parents move, friends move, and brothers move (My sister had already moved). I got strep throat last October. From January to April one kid was sick after the other. Andrew had kidney stones twice. I think the saddest of all was losing my baby.

We have a had some good things happen. We were able to buy our first house. I won't lie I feel cheated because I have longed for a house and I finally get one and it is over shadowed by the miscarriage. As happy I was about getting our house the pain I felt form losing my baby was stronger.

Anyways I had a wonderful Birthday. My Dad and sister Amber surprised me with a visit. My Dad lives in Texas my sister Idaho. It was a present from my sister Amy who lives in Spain. I had a wonderful time with them. We ate ice cream, took a walk, ate pizza, took a drive up Nebo Canyon. My sister and I on Saturday went to Chile's for a girls night out.

On Sunday My Dad and Sister wanted me to go up and see my Grandma and my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. I said sure. When I arrived my family was waiting for me they through me a surprised birthday party. I was very surprised. I love my extended family very much. They where worried about me and wanted to let me know they loved me and so they through me a party. I am indeed very loved. One sad thing did happen after the party, I had to say goodbye to my Dad and sister Amber. They had to go back to Idaho. I will miss them very much.

We ended the day by going to my mother in laws house for dinner. It was a birthday celebration for my husband and I. My husbands birthday is on October 9. A quick side note we have the exact same numbers in our birthdays. Mine is 10-4-1979 and his is 10-9-1974. If you can't do the math fast enough my husband will be turning 35. My mother in law made enchiladas they were very good. She also made this very yummy peach dessert.

Thank you to everyone who made this a wonderful birthday. I think I am ready for what my thirties will bring.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Our tongue curler

We have one. We finally have one. Not that we expected one or our kids to do this, because Neither Andrew or I can curl are tongues. Caleb can't. Marysa can't. Azalea can't. But Josh can.

He is so cute when he does.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Our walk to the park.

Summer is coming to an end this is very bitter sweet for me. Anyways I thought that I would take Azalea and Joshua to the icy stand to get an icy. Since the Marysa and Caleb where at school.

I loaded up the two little ones and off we went. We walked down a steep hill, turned the corner came to the icy stand only to find it closed. It did not open until after 3:00 pm.

I was not going to let this walk go to waste so I continued to a walk up hamburger stand. I ordered to ice cream cones and some fries because on the sign it said worlds best fries or something like that. So of coarse I had to try them. They were good but not the best.

After the Ice Cream we walked to the park. I was not intending to go to the park today but hay sometimes we just walk and see where it leads us. Had the icy stand been open we would have not gone to the park. We had a blast at the park. I loved spending time with the little ones. I love how they play together. So here are some pictures of what we saw on our walk to the park.

Yummy Ice cream

Thirsty kids

an azalea



The letter A

A bee

Someone swinging= Azalea

flowers and shadows

A really old truck

A cross

Handsome eyes

Beautiful eyes

Two very happy kids.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Our first home

Andrew and I bought our first home. We closed on July 15th 2009. Lets just say with buying our first home and having a miscarriage at the same time has been well over whelming.

I finally have my house. It was built in 1950. It has lots of fruit trees. Apple, pear, apricot, plum, cherry and a grape vine.

Enjoy the pictures.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

my baby and the memory box.

This is the only picture I have of my baby. I don't know for sure if it was a boy or a girl. MY feelings tell me that it was a little boy. I have named this baby Scott Mason after my grandfather Oscar Mason.

He looks so cute in this ultra sound. Oh how I wish I had the chance to hold him. To see him. To nurse him. To kiss his sweet little face. Oh how my heart has ached the last month. How empty my heart feels.

My thoughts over the last month have been all over the place. At time I have even thought that this little boy didn't want me to be his mommy. I have experienced grief to its fullest this last month. I have been angry, I have been depressed, I have been in denial. My heart at times feels like it is being torn in a million peaces at times.

I have had a few days of peace. I have had peace one minute and the next I feel like I am about to lose it.

My kids have seen me cry. Marysa is always there to hug me. My kids have seen me cry a lot. I am feel bad that they have to see me go through this.

I have been to the temple many times. I am looking for answers but I have not gotten any yet. I think I am just not ready to hear.

Andrew has given me three beautiful priesthood blessings. The first one was right before my d&c. The second one was just a few days after the d&c and I couldn't sleep,so he gave me a blessing that I would be able to sleep and I was. The third one was just this past Sunday I had been having a hard time. He said very firmly that I would have more kids. This had weighed heavily on my mind.

At times I am not sure I have the strength to go threw this again. I am scared. It was so hard last time. I barely made it through. I feel like I missed a whole year. I feel like I lost friends because of how I handled it.

I do know that as time goes by that my broken heart will heal. I know that there will always be a part of my heart that misses my babies. I know that I will always think of what might have been. I know that I still have to travel this road some more.

I have made a memory box for my sweet baby.
I have included his ultra sound picture. The pregnancy test. The bracelet that my sweet cousin made for me. She made it for me so that even though I know longer have my baby that when I wear the bracelet part of him will be with me. It means so much to me that I can not wear it because I would be afraid I would lose it. I have the roses my relief society teacher gave me. I have the box of the figurine that my home teacher gave me. I have the cards that people have sent me. I have the booties from the hospital that I wore when I had the d&c done. I have an outfit that I bought for the baby. It has the picture that my kids drew for me.

My friend in my ward gave me a bush to plant so that I will have something else to remember the baby by.

I put a rainbow on top of the box as to remind me of the hope of what is to come after the rain is gone.

I am so grateful for all the support that I have received. All the hugs, all the prayers, all of the kind words, all of the people who will sit and listen to me just talk and work out my frustrations.

I still need prayers. I still need to be able to talk about losing by baby. I am not sure what this road has in store for me. I have a feeling of what I am suppose to learn from this experience. I just hope I can come out of this a stronger person and with a stronger faith in our Heavenly Father.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Saying good bye

It has been a rough week. At time I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare.

Wednesday night we dropped the kids off at my Mother in laws house. Andrew gave me a really sweet priesthood blessing. It mentioned that we would have more children. After the blessing all me kids came up at one time a gave me a really big hug. That felt so good.

We knew we wouldn't be able to sleep we stayed up watching movies and finally feel asleep about 1:30am. We woke up at about 6:00am. I really wanted to sleep some more but just couldn't. I called the hospital at 7:30 am and they said to be in their by 8:00 am.

We got there about eight but because of other things going on I was not able to have the d&c done until 11:00am. Up to this point I had been doing well. The minute the nurse came in I started crying. It was finally time to say good bye to my baby. It was so final. The nurse told Andrew to hug and kiss me and I just sobbed in his arms. It was the final minutes of me being pregnant with this baby. I just cried as they wheeled me into the operating room. As I rubbed my stomach one more time and said good bye to my unborn child. Oh how I wish that I could have held this baby in my arms.

There was a minor complication. I bleed more than I should have. I guess the baby died around 13 weeks and not 11 like they had thought. I guess 13 week babies have more tissue and so I bleed more. I was in the post op room for a while because it took awhile for my blood pressure to come back up. I think I was finally able to see Andrew around 2:30pm. I than stayed in the recovery room until 6:00pm when doctor Jacobs thought it was safe for me to go home.

We were lucky enough to spend the night at my mother in laws house. It was really nice to get the extra help since I was so week from the d&c.

I was at peace yesterday I could feel all of the prayer that was going out to me.

Today has been harder. I think the realization of it all is finally sinking in. It has been a roller coaster day. I feel at peace and at moments my heart aches so bad that I just cry.

I know I will have my good days and bad days. I just pray for a quick recovery.

Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. I hope you keep praying for my family because we still need them.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I am so sad.

My heart aches so much at this moment. Maybe from the start I new something was wrong. I have been so nervous for this day to come for awhile. I was not excited for summer to come.

Today was suppose to be a happy day. I was going to go to the doctor and finally be able to hear the babies heart beat. Marysa came with me. As I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor the moment he opened the door my heart sank.

He searched for the heart beat but could not hear it. So he took me to another room to see if we could find it on the ultra sound. It was a old machine so he sent me clear across town to get a better ultra sound done. The ultra sound tech could not find one.

The baby grew to about 11 weeks 4 days. I am 13 weeks 4 days. I will have a D&C on Thursday.

I want to say that I will be okay. I am not sure. My heart aches so bad. This is my 3rd miscarriage I know what to expect. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening to me? Did I do something wrong?

Questions lots and lots of questions. So many feeling. I keep thinking what if I Can't do this.

So please be patient with me while I am going through this trial. I will try to have faith.

Ironic thing is coming Sunday at church I was suppose to give a talk on adversity. I will not be doing that now that would just be way to hard. Last night I read 4 articles from the May Ensign on Adversity. I went to bed crying thinking how awful I handle my last miscarriage how I was so angry and bitter. Thinking how can I do this talk when I failed so bad last time I miscarried. I hope I get it right the 3rd time around. I want to say that I can handle it. I am not sure.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Happy 7th Birthday Marysa

Marysa is 7 today. She has yet to loose a tooth. I keep telling her the day she looses her first tooth we will throw a party. She is so ready to loose her first tooth. She like to do things late I guess.

She was born four days late. My due date was actually on Caleb's 2nd birthday. She was 8lbs 13 oz when she was born. She was beautiful. She still is. I am not just saying this cause I a her mom. People would say she is a cute and then like a minute later say she really is beautiful.

She is smart. She enjoys reading, she gets that from her dad. She always does her homework and I do not even have to ask her too. Tomorrow is her last day of 1st grade. I can't believe she is 7. She is a beautiful girl. She is sweet. Yet she lets you know when she is mad. She loves her younger brother Joshua. She is so excited for this baby to be born in December I think she is more excited than I am.

I am so blessed to have her as my daughter. She has taught me patience, understanding, and much much more.

Happy Birthday Marysa. Have a wonderful day!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Happy 9th birthday Caleb

It is hard for me to imagine that I have a 9 year old. Yet today is Caleb's 9th Birthday. I think of the struggle it took to get him here. We got married when I was just 18 I really wanted a baby right away. It took us about 6 months before we got pregnant, but that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Oh how my heart was broken. I remember the day I miscarried I was sitting on the couch and this little voice said mommy I will come in May. We started trying again right way but it took us another 7 months of trying. We found out we were pregnant in September of 1999. Caleb was due May 26 2000.

Caleb was born on May 24 2000. He weighted a whopping 9lbs 6oz. He was 22 inches long. He was a great baby. He only cried when he was hungry. Caleb has always been above the 95% on height and weight on the growth charts.

Today Caleb is still big. He is almost as tall as me. By the way who says a boy can get taller than his mom or at least at such a young age. His feet are just as big as mine. He looks about 12. I wonder how old that makes me look. I was only 20 when he was born. Funny thing some guy at the post office thought he was 16. I wanted to say how old do I look. If he looked 16 He must of thought I was like 35. Which I am not.

Caleb is the most caring person I know. We were driving some where and he saw this moving van and people moving in and he said " oh man I wish I could help." That is how Caleb is he is always wanting to help. He loves helping people move in.

Caleb loves going to school. He loves playing soccer and riding his bike.

I always tell him how lucky I am to be is mom. I truly mean that. I feel so blessed that he is my son. He told me yesterday that he never wants to move out that he always wants to be with me. He wants to be able to kiss me everyday. Lets see if he stills feels the same way in 5 years.

Happy Birthday Caleb!

We love you.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Happy Birthday Joshua

They say time flies when you are having fun. The last 2 years have gone by in the blink of an eye.

Joshua is so much fun. I have loved every minute being is mom. He wakes up every morning with a big smile. First thing he does is give me a big hug.

He is always smiling. He smile at everything. He is calm. He is patient. He loves food. He loves milk. He loves his brother and sisters. Azalea is his playmate. Marysa his 2nd mom. Caleb is well his older brother. The kids still fight over him. He looooooves to suck on his finger and play with his hair. Unless I am holding him than he plays with my hair.

This little boy has brought so much joy to this family. I look at him today and am still wondering where he came from. I know where. I look back at how long it took to get Azalea here and then when she was only 18 months he was here. He is are surprise baby our blink of an eye baby. Oh how I love this boy.

Wow 2 years old. My time really does fly when you are having fun.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


This is Andrew and I just thought I would followup on a couple of items. We finally got our pictures off our camera so here are some. The first is what the others looked like after the banana cream pie fight. it was really fun. I would recommend it for others.

This is us when we were able to go to the draper temple. We all really enjoyed it:

and lastly this shows the little bursts of weather that can occur in our house. In seconds a big mess can appear and if you aren't careful to catch the youngest two they can happen somewhere else while you clean up that mess. This has been multiple containers of spices dumped into a huge pile on the top of a bar stool, it has been wrecking the master bedroom. It has also been dumping 4 full containers of soap and shampoo out on the bathroom floor all at once.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Surprises and Secrets

Oh how I hate surprises and secrets. If you ask anyone who knows me well they will tell you this is very true.

When I read a book I am always skipping ahead. I usually read the last chapter first. I always want to know how a movie is going to end before I go and see it.

Birthdays and Christmas are the worst. If I could I would buy all the presents on the last day, because I hate finding a gift I know someone will love and then I have to wait to give it to them. I usually end up showing my kids at least one gift I got them because I just can't wait.

Why do I bring this all up well my family has a big secret we have been keeping. A big surprise. We have this wonderful gift. I just can't wait for Christmas to come. I want everyone to know what this gift is.

We were going to wait to tell the world. Somehow this little secret/surprise is out there.
My kids know, my parents, my in-laws. So is everyone else dying to know what it is. I am dying to tell you trust me I wanted to shout our secret/surprise when we first found out about this gift.

Are sure you want to know.


It is a big surprise I would not want to ruin the surprise for you.

Okay, only because I really hate keeping surprises and secrets.

We are having a BABY. Our 5th child is due on December 11, 2009. We are super excited about this baby.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Why me? So embarressed. Can I please just go and hide.

Can I start this day all over again. Can I hope that I am really just dreaming and that I am going to wake up at any moment and get that feeling of relief that only comes from waking up to a bad dream.

I am not dreaming. I did have a embarrassing moment in church today. For me it tops the time Caleb came walking into the chapel after going to the bathroom with his pants around the bottom of his feet. In his case he was only four but that is another story.

My kids were just not good in Sacrament meeting today. I wonder if any of that Easter candy had anything to do with it. This is another story too.

I was stopped by the Relief Society Chorister and she asked me if I would lead the music in Relief Society. She need to get home to a sick child. I of course said yes but that I really didn't know what I was doing. She said the songs where in 3/4 and 4/4. Sure I can to that.

I was so nervous I have not led music since I was in young womens and than you can just flare your arms and no one really cares.

It was hard. Now this song had 4 versus. Guess what I did in my very nervous state. I closed the song after the 3rd verse. Yes I closed the song and sat down. Everyone was like Danette there is still another verse. One lady jokingly said the fourth verse is the most important.

I cried during the opening prayer. I wanted to get up leave the room and hide my embarrassed self . I told myself I have two options. Run or suck it up and laugh too. I sucked it up but I could not laugh. I stopped the tears and got up for the practise hymn and lead the song.

Oh how I really just wanted to leave. It took every ounce of courage I had to stay and finish what I had started.

I stayed.

I stayed.

I stayed.

For me this is a small miracle. Especially in my current state of ...........

The embarrassment didn't stop just because I continued to lead the music because when church was over with as I was walking down the halls for me it felt like all the ladies were silently laughing or at least thinking "At least it wasn't me".

Moral of the story. Conducting music is really hard.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

4 -4-09

What does today bring.

1. General Conference. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints 179th annual conference.

2. A new baby, My friend had her sweet little girl at 9:59 am, and I was able to be there.

3. The end of the strep throat. Marysa, Josh, and Azalea all got it.

4. No insurance. Andrew starts a new Job on Monday. Insurance for his old job expired at midnight. New insurance picks up on monday.

5. A new apostle - Elder Neil L Andersen

6. Its my half birthday. That is right I am 29 1/2 today. So in Marysa's words " that means you are almost 30" . Yes in 6 short months I will be 30. Not sure how I feel about that.

7. Its a light snowy day.

8. Its Saturday that is always good.

9. A messy house.

10. Lots and lots of yummy hugs and kisses.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A new sleep.

Two very big sleeping changes have happened at my house.

1. My baby sleeps in a big bed now and its all my fault. I should be really happy about it but... I am not. We bought a bunk bed for the boys a couple of months ago. The intent was to let Josh continue sleeping in his crib for at least another 9 months. He was 21 months when we bought them and i figured I would move him when he was about 2 1/2.

I was wondering how he would do on the bottom bunk. I told him if he got out I would but him right back in his crib. He got out of the bed once so I put him in his crib. He cried for awhile and so I gave him one more chance. He stayed in bed he didn't get out.

He loves the bed. He is really obedient. I will lay down with him for about 5 minutes and then I leave and he stays in bed and goes to sleep.

Funny story really quick. I put him down for a nap one day and he got out of bed . The door was shut so I let him just cry. He only cried for about 3 minutes. When I went to go check on him I couldn't see him.

Silly boy had climbed up the latter to the bunk bed and had fallen asleep on Caleb's bed. Josh is a pro at climbing up and down the bunk bed.

I just can not get myself to take down the crib yet. I am not ready for my baby to be sleeping in a big bed. Joshua respects his freedom. That I love I hope it is something that will always stick with him.

2. We are the proud owners of a c-pap machine. Andrew had a sleep study done and he has sleep apnea. The cure a c-pap machine. We have only had it for 2 nights but it is a wonderful thing.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

100 %

Marysa has worked really hard this year on her spelling and she finally did it.

She got a 100% plus she got her bonus words right.


Bonus words

These are very fitting bonus words because I am sure that Marysa's Grandma Tolman, Grandma Cameron, Grandpa Ottosen, Grandpa Cameron and Grandpa Tolman are just as proud of her as Andrew and I are.

She was so excited to show me her spelling test. The last few months have been a little bit harder for her because she was able to move up to the next spelling level.

Way to go Marysa. Keep up all the good work.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Banana Cream Pie Fun!

This is one of the few times you will see me, Andrew, post on this blog. I leave that to my wife generally. Tonight however I had to comment. You see my wife is in the shower, washing the banana cream pie out of her hair and face.

It all started when my wife was glued to the computer reading blogs and everyone was mildly eating desert. Me and Marysa started throwing small pieces of pie at each other and it escalated from there. It took my wife a good 4 or 5 minutes to recognize this. We included her later.

I would expect pictures later, when we find the cable for the camera.

Friday, March 20, 2009


I had one of those aha moments yesterday. It involved my son Joshua.

I found him playing with some perfume that I have and I Immediately took it away. He follows me into the bathroom just crying. I continue to get ready in the bathroom. The whole time Joshua is just crying pointing to where I had just put the perfume. I keep telling him it is not a toy. He just will not stop crying so I put him in time out in his crib. With in a few minutes he stops crying.

I go into get him out. I open my arms to get him out and he grabs my hand and opens it.

And he puts the lid to the perfume in my hand. That is all that he wanted, he wanted the lid to go back on the perfume.

What a moment to teach me about listening. Sometimes the crying isn't what it seems. Sometimes all we need to do is open up are hearts or hands . We need to just give that extra bit of time.

Sometimes in life we do not know who to express ourselves. Just like my 2 year old who just can not say the words Mom here is the lid. He was crying and pointing and I assumed he just wanted the play with the toy.

Just give a few extra minutes of your time. Try to listen try to understand. Do not assume. Maybe they are just wanting you to put out your hand so that they can tell you want they need.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

5 years ago today .

As I sit and think about what happened five years ago today. Which I have been doing all week long. I am usually lying in bed when I think about this heart breaking event. I find my self crying again, I find myself feeling the pain again.

It seems like every night this past week I have been thinking about how I would write about this loss that I had. Should I tell the whole story. Should I tell how I really feel about my loss.

Yes I am going to write about my miscarriage so if you are tired of hearing me talk about it please do not read any more.

I will start with my story.

We found out we were pregnant the very beginning of January 2004. I was nervous because I was due on Sept 12 2004 and 5 years before that I was also pregnant and due on Sept 11, 1999. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

I went for a ultra sound on the exact day that I had miscarried the time before. I remember thinking I made it past 10 weeks and during the ultra sound the babies heart beat seemed to high for me something just seemed off. I just shrugged off the feeling because the ultra sound tech said it was fine.

Everything seemed to be going well. I went to my 12 week check up and the midwife could not find the heart beat. She said not to worry that sometimes they just can not find it at 12 weeks. She could tell that I was up set and she told me to come back in 2 weeks.

So time passed and it was time to go to the doctor again. I was excited because I just new that they were going to find the heart beat. Andrew, Caleb and Marysa were coming with me to the midwife appointment. We packed a lunch and ate it one the grass at the doctors office.

Time came to hear the heart beat. They could not find it. At this time I am still sure that the baby is just hiding. The midwife wants me to go and have a ultra sound. The soonest appointment is about 2 hours away. Andrew needs to go to work and so I call my mom to pick up the kids. This leaves me by myself. As I am sitting there I come to realize that my baby is dead. The nurse sees that I am upset and she stays with me the rest of the time.

I remember laying on the ultra sound table just praying that they find a heart beat. They do not. In that moment my heart breaks. I have just learned that my baby is dead.

I go back to the midwife office and they ask if I want a d&c or if I want to see if I can pass the baby myself. My brother Chad was getting married in two weeks so I chose to have a D&C.

The catch it was going to have to wait a week. So for one week I walk around with a dead baby inside. It was the hardest week of my life.

Life stopped yet it continued.

So the morning of the D&C which is was on March 18th 2004. I woke up in labor. I was having contractions 1 minute apart. My mom and I head to the hospital. It was my mom because Andrew was just starting a new job. My mother in law watched my kids for me.

By the time I got into the pre opp room My contractions hurt so bad. Just as I was about to get into bed. I believe my water broke. I climbed into bed and about 5minutes later I pushed the baby out.

I saw my baby. Oh how perfect she looked. She was so tiny. ( I feel like the baby was a girl. I never did find out what the baby was). She had finger nails and toe nails. All I could think was how perfect she was. I am so glad that I was able to see her. I know that Heavenly Father was guiding the whole think. I really did not want a D&C because I really wanted to know what my baby looked like. It was a good thing that it happened at the hospital because my placenta was stuck and I need a D&C to remove it.

Here comes the part that might offend some.

I had just lost a baby. This baby was my baby. I had just lost a Child. A child I was not able to hold a child I never got to kiss. A child that only lived in side of me for 15 weeks. Oh how my heart ached. The support I needed was not there.

Not only did I lose a baby but relationships became strained. Some still are.
How I want to scream I had a baby and She died. By the way I named her Valerie Grace. She has the same initials as Andrews grandma Shanley. Who passed away that September she was too be born.

I truly feel that I have lost a child. Is my sorrow less than that of someone who has lost a living child. I believe not. Yet I had no funeral, I was not able to cry on any ones shoulders. I was not able to see others morning over the loss of this child too. It was only I.

It has been five years and I still cry over the fact that I really had no support. I still feel like no one understands. Except maybe Becky. No one wants me to talk about her. I can't even have a conversation about what happened and not have someone take offence by it.

I wish others could Just see that I truly lost a child. This child is always in my thoughts. She would be almost five.

I have this memory box that I made for her. It has the pregnancy test in it. Some flowers that were given to me. The two notes that I received. The little blanket that the hospital gave me. It has the story of what happened.

It had a letter that I wrote to her on the day she would have been born.

I would like to share that now.

Baby ottosen

Today is September 12, 2004
Today is the day you should have been born. Today we should be in the hospital . Today I should be holding you, counting your toes and feeding you with my breast.

Six months ago your little heart stopped beating the doctor said it was a chromosomal error.

I spent 15 weeks with you growing inside. I never felt you move inside. I don't know if you are a boy or a girl. I never got to hold you . I did see you, even though you were so little you seemed so perfect.

You are my baby and I love you and I miss you. You have a great big brother and sister. They would have loved you so much. Daddy loves you too. One day we will get to meet you and give you hugs and kisses and we can give you a name. I want you to know that I will never forget you.

Love, Mom

I am so sorry for those who I have offended. I should be able to say that I lost a child and I should be able to talk about her. I will not forget about her.

With all that said. I must share my testimony.
I know with out a doubt that My Father in Heaven was watching out for me. The timing of everything is proof of that. I was angry at Him for a long time. I new that I needed to continue going to Church because if I didn't go because I had just lost this baby that I might not ever go back. I continued to go. I was angry but I still talked with Him.

It was a very hard year. I think that it has taken me 5 years to truly trust the Lord again. I am striving harder to pay my tithing. We are striving to read our Scriptures as a family. I am once again starting to have hope again. Hope is something that I have not had in a long time.
The Lord had been patient with me. Even at times when felt he was not there I now know He was.
He knew that this was going to be hard. But He knew that I could do hard things. I wish I could say that I made it threw this trial with out complaint and with out anger. I did not. I know that the Lord still loves me. He has since blessed my life with two more Children. I look at all my kids with awe. They are amazing people. They are my joy.
I want to thank My Father in Heaven for my dear Children and husband. In our darkest moments we need to know that he is watching out for us.

One extra note. Valerie means strong and grace means grace. I had to use all my strength to get threw this and when my strength was no more . Gods grace stepped in.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Boy panties

I decided to buy Josh some underwear. I know that he is only 21 months, but I figured that if I let him were underwear once a day that maybe he would catch on a lot faster than Azalea did.

This idea really only lasted about 1 day. Mostly because I keep forgetting to put them on him.

Which brings us to today.

Josh took off his diaper and started to put on Marysa's panties.

I look at him and I quote " Lets go find you some boy panties." unquote.

So what exactly are boy panties? It is what a mom calls underwear because for the last 4 1/2 years she has had little girls in the home.

I must confess that this will take me awhile to say underwear instead of "boy panties."

How do I know this because it took me forever to learn to say panties instead of underwear when Marysa was being potty trained.

As I have been writing this I have been wondering why I keep saying " Boy panties" when I have a almost 9 year old boy . Well it is because this almost tween wears boxers.

So the word underwear has not been in my vocabulary for years.

So Joshua please forgive when I tell you to go and get your "boy panties" on.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The kidney stone.

Tuesday started like every other day.

7:45 is when my cell phone alarm goes off. Yes I use my cell phone as my alarm.

Who remembers on this day how many times I hit snooze. Some days I hit it 5 times.

Lets fast forward to around 7:00pm. We had just sat down to eat dinner.

Andrew says I my back really hurts and so does my man hood. I say do you feel like you did when you had your kidney stone back in October. He replies yes.

Long story short because I am sooooooooooooooooooooo tired.

He had surgery early this morning to remove his 3mm kidney stone. His surgery went well. We arrived home around 1:00 pm.

I was able to take a nap from about 2:00 to 3:30. But I am still soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.

Oh and Andrew is still soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I guess that is what happens when you don't sleep for about 2 days.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It's official

It is official.

After a few months of trying.

After a few months of disappointment.

After a few months of crying.

After a few months of hoping.

After a few months of thinking this is never going to happen.

After a few months of wanting this so bad.

After a few months why does this seem so hard for me to do.

After months of wanting this miracle it has happened.

I am sure you are all dying to know what I am talking about.

I am Just not sure I want to say the words out loud yet. I do not want to jinx myself.

Maybe I will wait a little longer to tell you just to make sure that this is really really it.

This news is just so big that I want to scream it from the roof tops.

Azalea is potty trained.

I told you it was huge news.

Friday, February 13, 2009


Happy 26th Birthday David.

Today is my little brothers birthday. He is the youngest in our family. His birthday also happens to be on Valentines Day. He is married and has a little girl.
He is a great uncle my kids love him very much.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday David.
This picture is of Caleb (my son), David and his daughter Aubrey. It was taken the day Caleb was confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Friday, January 30, 2009

The worst mom in the universe

Marysa and I had a fight this morning. According to Marysa I am...

The worst mom in Utah. I tell her some of her toys are being taken away.

She doesn't like me. I tell her your grounded


In her words. " I am not grounded you are. I am going to call your mom and tell her you are being me. I will I know her phone number. " I just laugh


I am the worst mom in the universe. I walk out of the room. I tell her I am done talking.

I think I must be doing a great job if I earned the worst mom in the Universe award.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The ward Christmas Party.

This wonderful story takes place about a month ago.

I think it was a Friday. I was excited for this night to come. One I would not have to cook dinner. 2. Caleb and Marysa were going to sing a song.

We all got ready and went to the ward Christmas party.

It was time to eat. So I get in the long line. I wait my turn.

As I am waiting. I am also keeping track of Josh and Azalea. I am talking with friends in the line.

I turn to see Azalea's diaper on the floor. Yes it is on the floor. She is in a dress and had taken it off. I go to grab the diaper. As I do this she starts walking. What does she do. She raises her dress to above her waist.

Remember she has no diaper on. I run to get her. Leaving Josh in the line. I go to the table where my husband is. He take her and puts her diaper on her.

I sure hope know one noticed. It all happened so fast.

Buy the way Caleb and Marysa did awesome on their solo. They stood up in front of the whole ward and sang. Oh you better watch out you better not cry.

Oh how I love my kids. Even when they go around diaper less in public.

They must really want me to write a book.

It was around 9:00 pm. The older kids were sound asleep in their beds. Azalea was fighting going to sleep. Josh was awake he had a late nap.

Andrew and I worked hard all day rearranging the living room. It really did take most the day. We were tired. We just wanted to sit down and watch some TV.

Azalea was still having a hard time going to sleep. I could hear her and Josh play right be hind me.

They are 2 feet away.

All of a sudden we hear some type of liquid spelling. We turn to see Josh peeing on the floor.

We both smile at each other. More like laugh.

Azalea had taken off Joshua's clothes and his diaper.

He takes off . I chase after him so I can get him dressed.

I find him in the girls room. I see only his backside and noticed that he was poopy too.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Not again

I am not sure I want to write this post. I want to cry I want to laugh. In the end you can either cry for me or laugh.

It was just after dinner. I am trying to get things done. After all I need to run to the laundry mat tonight because my dryer just takes to long to dry. Who has time to wait around for 3 hours for one load of laundry. In my madness to get the clothes washed so that I could then take them to laundry mat. I was only half listening to the little ones. I could hear them playing what I thought was the bedroom.

I need to run into the bathroom for something and as I opened the door what did I see. I saw a naked 19 month old standing in the sink. A naked 3 year old standing on the toilet. Yes that is right they are both naked.

Are you laughing yet because it gets better. Here comes the not again part. I am not kidding I could write a novel about yesterdays subject. Cause not only were they naked but they both not just one but both had I am not sure if I can even write it. Here it goes. Their naked bums were poopy naked bums.


Me too how did the 19 month old take off his diaper. His partner in crime took it off along with hers. I am sure she was thinking that mom really wants to write her novel so lets give her another story to write about.

Just shortly after this happened I went into the girls room and there was Josh and Azalea getting into Marysa's play make-up. Josh had lip gloss all in his hair.

So we put the child gate up so the two partners in crime could serve there time at living room arrest.

So I will laugh and not cry.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Family Night

This story is not for the faint at heart or those with a weak stomach. This story may make you gag, or it might make you laugh because it happened to me and not to you. I am sure when my kids are all grown I will be able to write a novel about this subject.

What is the subject you are asking.

Are you really sure you want to know?

Why don't you read the story and find out.

We decided to go out to dinner. Andrew was in the mood for a good buffet. So we ended up at Golden Corral. We were enjoying our meal. Did I mention I am trying to potty train a certain 3 year old. Any guess yet on the subject. As I was enjoying my plate of mashed potatoes. Oh how I love mashed potatoes. I noticed that Azalea peed on her seat so I of course cleaned it up after all it was just pee. Just as I finished cleaning that up. And yes I was going to let her sit in her peed panties. After all she was standing on the seat eating. I turned just for a moment and this is the part where if you have a weak stomach you should stop reading.

When I turned back to her I noticed yes poop on the seat. I grabbed a napkin and picked up the poop picked up my 3 year old and headed straight for the bathroom. Praying that nothing "else" would fall. Would you know this would happen when It was just me and the little ones at the table. Not sure what to do I ran to the bathroom with Azalea leaving Josh at the table hoping I would run into Andrew, Caleb or Marysa. It was Marysa who I ran into. So quickly I said go to the table and watch Josh. Oh how I love that Caleb and Marysa are old enough to help out.

So I made it to the bathroom with nothing "else" falling to the ground. I frantically pulled down the changing table. Pulled down her princess panties (which by the way are currently in the golden corral garbage). As I pulled it down of course it got all over her legs and some Flew out of her panties and I mean it flew out. I think It "it" landed in about 3 different places.

Wipes I need wipes. Oh there is only about 3 left. This is a 100 wipe change. Thank goodness for paper towels, soap and water. It did the trick. I cleaned off the 3 year old cursing in my head that she is going back in diapers and that I hate potty training. I cleaned of the changing table with soap and water. After all "the stuff" did land on the Changing table. It make it worse some lady came into the bath room and when straight to a stall and started throwing up. So here I am cleaning up the "mess" and hear some stranger throw up. So are you laughing so hard you are running to the bathroom to pee or are you running to the bathroom to throw up your self.

I waited to tell Andrew the story until he was done eating. When we got into the car Caleb says mom tell us the story now. So for about the next 15 minutes we talked about poop. Yes we did. The kids just laughed as I told story after story about poop. Hey they are the reasons I have story's about this subject. Marysa is still the queen of poop story's.

We had a wonderful family night.

1. went out to eat
2. Azalea poops
3. We talk about poop.
4. We go to the Provo Temple to talk about Eternal Families.
Just a funny thing. Andrew ask the kids if they had any questions about the Temple and Marysa ask "Dad how old is Phineas and Ferb" What where did that come from.

One day I just might right my novel about my adventures of ...

I hope you enjoyed yet another potting training moment.

My advice to you. Only have kids that are born potty trained.

Friday, January 2, 2009

And it came to pass..

The Nativity

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all athe world should be btaxed.
(And this ataxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called aBethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
To be taxed with Mary his aespoused wife, being great with child.

6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
7 And she brought forth her afirstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the binn.

8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the aglory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you agood tidings of great bjoy, which shall be to all people.
11 For unto you is aborn this day in the city of David a bSaviour, which is Christ the cLord.
12 And this shall be a asign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 aGlory to God in the highest, and on earth bpeace, good will toward men.
15 And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16 And they came with ahaste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

Mary played by Marysa

Joseph played by Caleb

Shepherd Played by Azalea
Shepherd 2 played by Ryan
The Angel played by Brenna

Our Christmas Memories 2008

We had a wonderful Christmas season that will last forever. We had fun with friends, saw family that we hadn't seen for awhile. We tried new things, continued traditions and celebrated Christ birth.

The girls were able to meet the Christmas fairy. Our local Macey's store invited the Christmas fairy to their store. We had a really fun time.

We were able to go the kids school and see them perform Christmas songs. Each grade got a chance to go on stage and perform 2 Christmas Songs.

We had a fabulous ward Christmas party. Were Caleb and Marysa performed their first duet by singing "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". They did a wonderful job.

We went and saw the Festival of Tree's in Spanish Fork. We started this tradition about 4 years ago. We love driving around seeing the Christmas lights and listening to Christmas music. This is a must for all. After we were done seeing these lights we drove to Thanksgiving Point to look at their Christmas Lights. After we stopped at McDonald's and had Ice Cream. We had a wonderful time spending time with my parents.

We went bowling with Andrews sisters and their families. I of course won. The kids had fun. Josh even got a chance to bowl. Thank goodness for the gutter ball rails.

We also were able to go Ice skating. This was a first for my kids. Even Josh was able to Ice skate. We had a so much fun Ice skating with Andrews family. One of the best things about the Christmas season is being able to spend time with family.

One Christmas Eve the children and Uncle Ryan acted out the Nativity while Uncle Todd read the story and Aunt Sarah played the piano. It was a wonderful experience and the kids were just adorable.