Saying good bye

It has been a rough week. At time I keep hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare.

Wednesday night we dropped the kids off at my Mother in laws house. Andrew gave me a really sweet priesthood blessing. It mentioned that we would have more children. After the blessing all me kids came up at one time a gave me a really big hug. That felt so good.

We knew we wouldn't be able to sleep we stayed up watching movies and finally feel asleep about 1:30am. We woke up at about 6:00am. I really wanted to sleep some more but just couldn't. I called the hospital at 7:30 am and they said to be in their by 8:00 am.

We got there about eight but because of other things going on I was not able to have the d&c done until 11:00am. Up to this point I had been doing well. The minute the nurse came in I started crying. It was finally time to say good bye to my baby. It was so final. The nurse told Andrew to hug and kiss me and I just sobbed in his arms. It was the final minutes of me being pregnant with this baby. I just cried as they wheeled me into the operating room. As I rubbed my stomach one more time and said good bye to my unborn child. Oh how I wish that I could have held this baby in my arms.

There was a minor complication. I bleed more than I should have. I guess the baby died around 13 weeks and not 11 like they had thought. I guess 13 week babies have more tissue and so I bleed more. I was in the post op room for a while because it took awhile for my blood pressure to come back up. I think I was finally able to see Andrew around 2:30pm. I than stayed in the recovery room until 6:00pm when doctor Jacobs thought it was safe for me to go home.

We were lucky enough to spend the night at my mother in laws house. It was really nice to get the extra help since I was so week from the d&c.

I was at peace yesterday I could feel all of the prayer that was going out to me.

Today has been harder. I think the realization of it all is finally sinking in. It has been a roller coaster day. I feel at peace and at moments my heart aches so bad that I just cry.

I know I will have my good days and bad days. I just pray for a quick recovery.

Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. I hope you keep praying for my family because we still need them.

I am so sad.

My heart aches so much at this moment. Maybe from the start I new something was wrong. I have been so nervous for this day to come for awhile. I was not excited for summer to come.

Today was suppose to be a happy day. I was going to go to the doctor and finally be able to hear the babies heart beat. Marysa came with me. As I was sitting on the table waiting for the doctor the moment he opened the door my heart sank.

He searched for the heart beat but could not hear it. So he took me to another room to see if we could find it on the ultra sound. It was a old machine so he sent me clear across town to get a better ultra sound done. The ultra sound tech could not find one.

The baby grew to about 11 weeks 4 days. I am 13 weeks 4 days. I will have a D&C on Thursday.

I want to say that I will be okay. I am not sure. My heart aches so bad. This is my 3rd miscarriage I know what to expect. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening to me? Did I do something wrong?

Questions lots and lots of questions. So many feeling. I keep thinking what if I Can't do this.

So please be patient with me while I am going through this trial. I will try to have faith.

Ironic thing is coming Sunday at church I was suppose to give a talk on adversity. I will not be doing that now that would just be way to hard. Last night I read 4 articles from the May Ensign on Adversity. I went to bed crying thinking how awful I handle my last miscarriage how I was so angry and bitter. Thinking how can I do this talk when I failed so bad last time I miscarried. I hope I get it right the 3rd time around. I want to say that I can handle it. I am not sure.