I wasn't really planning on writing about what happened a year ago today. Nobody really cares. I am sure most are tired of hearing about it anyways. Of course I am assuming all of this. After all life for the most part is good. My kids are healthy my little boy growing inside of me is doing well. All though I am measuring 6 weeks ahead. So the doctor wants a ultra sound done on my doctors appointment. My blood sugars are really good to. No need for insulin just yet. Best part is I get to feel Eli move inside of me. It feels so good. Everytime he does it is like he is saying to me Mom I am well and alive. He always seems to know when I start getting worried because he kicks me and reasures me.
This morning however I woke up to a really awful dream. It was a miscarriage dream. I remember in the dream I was in the hospital having a miscarriage. I remember delivering the baby and than someone handing the baby to me. It was super tiny just the size of my palm of my hand. The baby looked alot like the one I miscarried prier to the one last year. In the dream they were not sure if it was a boy or a girl. I do remember saying we were going to name him Eli. Which everyone knows is what we are going to name the little boy I am pregnant with.
So anyways a year ago today I miscarried. I had a D&C. It kind of bothers me that I had that dream this morning. The morning of my one year anniversary. I over analize alot of stuff. Which I am doing right now. I am trying to make since of it.
My first reaction is that I never was able to see that baby and maybe I want some closure. Maybe it was me having a bad dream so that I could wake up and say oh it was just a bad dream it wasn't real. Like it was last year. Is my subconscious telling me something. I have been putting the miscarriage in the back of my mind. Trying to forget it. Thinking no one cares everyone is tired of me talking about them anyways. Maybe even though I have come to accept what happened I still do and always will need to be able to talk about the babies I have lost. That is just how I am I can't just pretend it never happened. Last summer was really really hard. But I made it through it. I should be proud that I did. Did I complain yes. No matter how hard I try I will always remember the day I lost my babies. I will remember it in detail. I can not deny what I went through. Nor should anyone else deny me that right. Not that anyone is. Maybe part of my dream was to remind me that yes I did lose a baby last year and I have the right today to mourn that lose. Which is what I am doing. I don't want to forget. Even though I only carried that baby for 14 weeks he was still mine I still fell in love with him. I may have never felt him kick but he was mine. So today I am saying it has been a year since I lost my baby.
So it should end there but, it bothers me that in the dream I said we were going to name him Eli. Does this dream have two meanings to it. Does it also show how worried I am that something is going to happen to Eli. The closer I get to his due date the more worried I am getting. I am worried about how his birth should go. It all seems so sereal still. That yes in 10 weeks I should be holding a brand new baby sent from heaven. If I trully belive that he will be okay and something goes wrong. Will I be able to handle it. But there is the what ifs going through my mind. I know I should play the what if game. I really try not to but sometime a dream happens and gets you going. THe fears from last year remembering how hard it really was. I am not sure how many people really realize at how hard it got for me. The hard times still really scare me. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I never felt those feelings I had last year with either of my other miscarriages.
Fear is not a good thing. I know that it is of the devil. He worked really hard on me last summer. I think that is why it was so hard last year. It seems he is trying to work on me again. I hate it. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean anything is going to happen to Eli. If anything it just shows how worried I am.
So I had a dream early this morning. A not so good dream. But at least this year it was just a dream.
Brothers On Maps
3 days ago
3 comments:
Whew, doesn't writing about it just make you feel so much better? It does me. I'm glad it was just a dream. Sticking my nose in your business, my analysis of the situation is simply that the miscarriage has been on your mind a lot and since it's the 1 year anniversary and you've probably been thinking about it more, you dreamed about it. It's common for people to dream about things that are heavy on their mind during the day. I wouldn't worry too much. :) But, I bet it does make you feel better to write about it, get it off your chest.
Glad it was just a dream...I agree with Rachel...you have been carrying a burden and being the anniversary, you are probably thinking of it more now. Trust in the Lord...you will find great comfort with Him. :o)
I hate those dreams. They are always so much more vivid during pregnancy. Go ahead and allow yourself to grieve your loss and even to think about the dream if you want to. Sometimes if I think about it enough I find comfort in realizing that it was just a dream and everything really is okay. There's also no such thing as talking about your loss too much. You get to do what you need to feel comfort and support.
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