I feel so broken. I feel sad. I feel anger. I feel hurt. I feel pain.
Yesterday, was hard. Oh it was so hard. I feel like I am nothing special. Like I am worthless.
We are to feel so good at church. We are to feel peace. We are to feel loved. No I didn't feel any of it. I felt stupid. I felt that the church doesn't want me. I feel the church doesn't need me. I feel the church sees me broken. I feel the church does think I have potential. I am useless. I am just not really needed.
I guess I should tell the story. The story is just me. The story is my thoughts alone.
I have out of young women's for 14 years now. For the last 14 years I have been in relief society. I have never been called to serve in Young Women's or Primary. I did serve in nursery for about 6 months. I am starting to wonder why the Lord doesn't want me to have any of these callings. It so breaks my heart when I see others in them. I get jealous, when women younger than me are called as presidents in these callings. Crazy I know. Yet that is how I feel.
I have heard well you have a large family, little kids. Maybe this would work if every mother with little kids wasn't allowed in primary or young women's. So what I must also suck at being a mom.
What really got to me was seeing how this lady in my ward who just moved in became a teacher in primary and is able to be a girls camp director. She is like me as in she had kids. It hurts. I don't want it to. It does hurt. I makes me feel like I am just not good enough. I must be broken. I am not strong enough.
What also happened is Andrew's primary partner moved. So I was asked to sit in with Andrew while he teaches. Anyways that Sunday I sat with Andrew's class during primary time so that Andrew could go to priesthood. The next day Andrew get a call and he is told that he is being released. He was told that they want us to take the Family Relations class during Sunday school.
One I feel like Andrew was released because the didn't really want me in the primary. Two because they must think that Andrew and I have a really bad family relations. I have already taken that class once or twice.
A while back someone in Sacrament meeting was talking and was saying that when he became a I think it was a elders quorum president he felt over whelmed. Than he said but I knew the Lord saw potential in me. You know the thought that came to me was. There is your answer you are not becoming anything because the Lord sees no potential in you. Yes that is answer that come in sacrament meeting. I know it was most likely satan. But still.
I feel like everyone sees me as broken, as worthless, as not good at anything. That is how I feel about myself. I wish I didn't feel like that at church. But lately that is where I feel it the most. I just want to cry. I know I should still go yet I hate how I felt yesterday. I am not sure what to do? Maybe I really am broken and I really do not have any potential.
I feel like I am at war with satan. I feel it. I feel it strongly at church. I know that satan doesn't want me to go to church. He might win. I am getting tired of the war. I did not like how I felt at church. Look at how powerful satan is. He made me feel awful at church. As of this moment he has won. I may not go to church. I don't want to feel that broken anymore.
Some days I am sure Heavenly Father loves me. However some days I feel like he may love me yet he sees no potential in me.
Maybe I should not have written this. But I feel so broken. I am hoping that someone might be able to help me.
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12 comments:
Danette,
It hurts for me to see you feeling so badly about yourself. You're an intelligent wonderful person. Sometimes I too have felt like I have nothing to offer to our ward or that I don't fit in. I'm not sure why you haven't been called to the primary or young womens, but I do know that God loves you. If the only reason you attend church from now on, go because you know deep down inside that you're worth it!! That it is important for you to take the sacrament and participate in this ordinance, because you are worth it!! You have a large family that loves you and nothing can take that away. Miss you and love you Tiffany
You are priceless. You are capable. Your potential and your worth are beyond measure. I am amazed by the trials you have endured and OVERCOME!!! I'm proud to call you my friend.
The reasons why you haven't been called are known only to the Lord. What I do know is that people are called (or not called) for various reasons. I had a mission companion that was not asked to be a senior companion until the very end of her mission. It was very difficult for her and she never knew why. After having served with her I knew that it had nothing to do with whether or not she was capable, talented, or a hard enough worker. She had all the pieces, she just wasn't called. Sometimes it happens that way and I'm sorry you have to go through it.
As for the family relations class, I'm pretty sure they want you to be there because you know how to make it work. There was a sealed, endowed couple asked to take the temple prep class when I went through it. They were there to help the other class members, not because they needed "fixing." You don't need fixing. You can be a strength to others as they learn.
Heavenly Father loves you. The intense battle Satan is fighting against you proves how strong you are. He fights hardest against those who are hard to get at. I promise you that God knows your great worth and your infinite potential. Don't forget to pray to ask for strength and guidance. Don't lose that connection. Love you.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The only advise I can offer you is to pray and read the scriptures, but do so diligently and ponder, inquire of the Lord, for in the end, His is the only advise and answers are all that matter.
~Jules
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4MyevkSK1A&feature=related
You are his daughter, he knows you he loves you. We just need to remember that. I think we all have felt that way at one time in our life. We need to remember that we are HIS DAUGHTERS. And let that be enough. Not judge ourselves by the callings we hold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxbSaoParkA
I'm shocked to hear you haven't been in either Primary or Young Womens! I'd think that would be your natural fit! You can't take it personally, even though thats all it feels like it is. The only thing I've learned for callings are 2 things. Be careful what you wish for! Ryan always wants to be with the youth, and he moved from YM to EARLY MORNING SEMINARY! Ha, talk about a lesson learned!
Secondly, there are 2 types of callings. Callings that make you grow, or callings that make you give. I have had every type of musical calling in the Church, literally. They were not challenging or social, and I thought I was doomed to be stuck behind a piano FOREVER. Very lonely back there. But, that was a time I could give of my talents. Then I was given what I thought I "wanted", Primary presidency, and boy did I learn how to grow and stretch emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Just like your friends have suggested, I think this time it is a time for you to give! Being in that class, you will ADD to it. And maybe your challenge is to put off what you want for what the Lord wants. And being in this Church, it seems like that is all we are asked to do!
I agree with everyone above! You are amazing. You are worth it. You are His daughter and He loves you, as well as many family and friends--including me!! Hope to hear back from you soon!
I think it is good that you expressed your feelings. I just came across your blog today; greetings from Montreal, Canada.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. You are a gift from God and He knows your needs. You are not useless or junk...God doesn't make junk, and He made you.
Sending you love and hugs.
Elder Uchtdorf's talk "Forget Not" comes to mind.
I just came across your blog. My 10 year old son, Oliver, just died 4 months ago from a brain tumor. Yesterday marked 15 years that I've been a member of the church, however I really haven't gone to church for the past two years. I feel Satan is strong and doesn't want me to be there. I feel so weak and don't like to be there in the building where I last saw my son's face. I struggle a lot with so many things that you've written about. I think a lot more people struggle than we realize. Anyways... thank you for being honest in your posts. I'm brutally honest in mine as well.
Stacy Palmer
Waterloo, Iowa
www.oliverpalmer.blogspot.com
Greetings from Cedar City Ut and I just cameacross your blog. I have felt the same exact way as you for so many years. I like going to church, but sometimes I don't feel wanted there and there is callings that I wish I had, like YM, but I have never been calling there. Maybe its because I don't have any girls, I only have boys. I know about feeling broken. I don't know you, but you seem like a wonderful mother with 5 kids and you have been through some trials, most people have been through different trials. Check out my blog, www.malindasizemore.blogspot.com. I hope you have a great day Danette. I agree with everyone on here. :)
I meant I wish I had callings like YW, sorry for that.
I feel so weak and don't like to be there in the building where I last saw my son's face. I struggle a lot with so many things that you've written about.
zenoviaexchange
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