Life is hard.

I wish I could explain well how life has been hard.  First off I know I have many blessings.  Yet life has still be really hard.

Especially the last month.  

On June 1st we found out we where expecting again.  Are baby was due February 11.  I have always wanted a February baby.  I don't really know why I just have.  Things where going good at first. Really good.  My last two miscarriages before this ended at 5 1/2 weeks.  This time things looked at six weeks. 

I flew to Texas on June 20th to be with my parents and siblings.  It was to be a fun time, but it really wasn't. 

On June 22 at about 2 am I could felt a gush of blood.  It was scary.  It stopped as fast as it started.  I called the Doctor in the morning and was told to stay in bed, and if I started bleeding again that I should go straight to the er.  At about noon it started again.  So off to the ER I went.  It took  7 hours to fully be seen.  They did an ultra sound and there was a baby and a heart beat.  The baby was measuring about 4 days short.  They told me things looked well.

I got back into Payson on the 26th.  On the 27th I went to see my Doctor.  A ultra sound was done and there was a baby.  It was now about 6 days behind.  It also had a low heart beat.  I was told at this time that it was a 50/50 chance I would miscarry. 

It was a long week.  A lot of prayer was said in hopes that the baby would live and grow well.

On July 5th we went to see the doctor again.  They did an ultra sound.  This time there was no heart beat the baby was dead. 

On July 17th almost 2 weeks after we found out the baby had died, I had a D&C because my body had not passed the baby yet. 

It has been one week since, my baby left.  It has been a hard hard week. 

Emotionally, spiritually, physically. 

Life has been hard for almost 2 years now.  I am coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my brain tumor.  I am also coming up on the one year anniversary of a miscarriage.  I am coming up on the due date of another miscarriage I had back in February.  I miscarried on August 20th 2012, I miscarried on January 1st 2013, that baby was due August 28th. 

I am angry.  Mostly at God.  This is just the tip of the ice burg about what the last two years have been like.  I have been spiritually struggling for the last two years.  I pray, I read my scriptures, I pay my tithing, I go to the temple.  I am still struggling. 

I don't want to hide anymore that I am struggling.   I am.  I feel deceived. I feel bullied.  I feel like I am just not good enough.

I keep wondering.  How did I get to this point.  How is it that I was raised in the Church.  I have always gone.  I have always tried (most of the time) to do what is right. 

Yet I feel like God doesn't like me.  I have a low self esteem.  I feel like the sorry one.  The one everyone is sorry for in the ward.  The one that needs lot and lots of help. 

I am lost.  I feel like a baby when it comes to the Gospel.  I don't understand a lot of it.  I feel like I misunderstood everything I was ever taught. 

Life is hard.