Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Life is hard.

I wish I could explain well how life has been hard.  First off I know I have many blessings.  Yet life has still be really hard.

Especially the last month.  

On June 1st we found out we where expecting again.  Are baby was due February 11.  I have always wanted a February baby.  I don't really know why I just have.  Things where going good at first. Really good.  My last two miscarriages before this ended at 5 1/2 weeks.  This time things looked at six weeks. 

I flew to Texas on June 20th to be with my parents and siblings.  It was to be a fun time, but it really wasn't. 

On June 22 at about 2 am I could felt a gush of blood.  It was scary.  It stopped as fast as it started.  I called the Doctor in the morning and was told to stay in bed, and if I started bleeding again that I should go straight to the er.  At about noon it started again.  So off to the ER I went.  It took  7 hours to fully be seen.  They did an ultra sound and there was a baby and a heart beat.  The baby was measuring about 4 days short.  They told me things looked well.

I got back into Payson on the 26th.  On the 27th I went to see my Doctor.  A ultra sound was done and there was a baby.  It was now about 6 days behind.  It also had a low heart beat.  I was told at this time that it was a 50/50 chance I would miscarry. 

It was a long week.  A lot of prayer was said in hopes that the baby would live and grow well.

On July 5th we went to see the doctor again.  They did an ultra sound.  This time there was no heart beat the baby was dead. 

On July 17th almost 2 weeks after we found out the baby had died, I had a D&C because my body had not passed the baby yet. 

It has been one week since, my baby left.  It has been a hard hard week. 

Emotionally, spiritually, physically. 

Life has been hard for almost 2 years now.  I am coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my brain tumor.  I am also coming up on the one year anniversary of a miscarriage.  I am coming up on the due date of another miscarriage I had back in February.  I miscarried on August 20th 2012, I miscarried on January 1st 2013, that baby was due August 28th. 

I am angry.  Mostly at God.  This is just the tip of the ice burg about what the last two years have been like.  I have been spiritually struggling for the last two years.  I pray, I read my scriptures, I pay my tithing, I go to the temple.  I am still struggling. 

I don't want to hide anymore that I am struggling.   I am.  I feel deceived. I feel bullied.  I feel like I am just not good enough.

I keep wondering.  How did I get to this point.  How is it that I was raised in the Church.  I have always gone.  I have always tried (most of the time) to do what is right. 

Yet I feel like God doesn't like me.  I have a low self esteem.  I feel like the sorry one.  The one everyone is sorry for in the ward.  The one that needs lot and lots of help. 

I am lost.  I feel like a baby when it comes to the Gospel.  I don't understand a lot of it.  I feel like I misunderstood everything I was ever taught. 

Life is hard.   

5 comments:

Carrie and Karl said...

There are a lot of trite things I could tell you, that I'm sure others have told you, or you've tried to tell yourself. Instead I'll tell you that I care. I cried for you when I heard about your tumor and each miscarriage. I wish there was something I could do to help you. The best I can do is tell you that shortly after my kaleb was born I had some serious issues and almost took some drastic steps, because I didn't think I was good enough to be his mom.
The things that helped me through that time were a great support system, antidepressant medication and a good counselor. No one wants to take medicine to help them be happy, but I can't tell you how great it was the first day my medication started working and I saw the sun shining and I knew I could be good enough.
I didn't realize how many things had happened in my life to make me feel like I could never be good enough, but the counselor helped me learn to control my life and future instead of it controlling me.
I strongly recommend that you look into both of these options. You have had serious things in your life and a little help can work miracles. If u want to call and talk to me I'll help all I can. And know that I'll keep praying for you.

Jules said...

I wish there was more I could say to help or make you feel better, but I'm certain you already know what the typical 'answers' would be.
I know a bit how you feel, in a different way- but similar in wondering why God wasn't allowing me to get pregnant. I had to continue to remember that in God's time and will, though that wasn't easy to accept (and took me awhile to do so).

I'm sure you'll probably remember this talk, but some things are always nice to have a reminder. It's helped me to remember things and work on finding the Spirit in my life again.
http://www.lds.org/liahona/2004/05/but-if-not?lang=eng
It's a really good talk and I think can help us remember a way to know God wants us to be happy even though life is hard and confusing and things don't always work out how we want.

Don't give up huni. There's a lot of people that care about you and love you. You're a good person, don't forget that.

Adams Scott said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Heather Miller said...

Danette, I highly recommend that you visit with a counselor. Don't see one with LDS Family Services. Find someone who is familiar with the church, but not working for the church. Be honest. Let them teach you how to change your thinking and work through your issues. It can be scary, but it is totally worth it. I know you are on some meds, they will help too, but counseling from a good professional will give you lifelong skills on how to control your thought process. I've been in really bad spots too. Matter of fact, I've ended up in the hospital, more than once, for attempted suicide. Don't be afraid to express your feelings!

Rachel and Todd said...

Hi Danette,

I haven't been so good at checking blogs recently so I just read this. I'm sorry you are suffering to so much.

You are not alone. I and others are here to support and love you.

Like others, I recommend you telling your doctor (and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or counselor) and your bishop exactly how you feel--about your pain, about your doubts, everything.

Your doctor can help you balance out your hormones and a psychiatrist or counselor can help you practice talking to yourself in a positive way.

I can promise you that God does like you--He loves you.

Much love to you and Andy and the kids.

~Rach