My 30th Birthday

Today at 4:43 am I turned 30. I can't still believe where have the last 30 years gone. I have been nervous to turn 30 not sure why.

My 29th year has not been the best year for me. I have had parents move, friends move, and brothers move (My sister had already moved). I got strep throat last October. From January to April one kid was sick after the other. Andrew had kidney stones twice. I think the saddest of all was losing my baby.

We have a had some good things happen. We were able to buy our first house. I won't lie I feel cheated because I have longed for a house and I finally get one and it is over shadowed by the miscarriage. As happy I was about getting our house the pain I felt form losing my baby was stronger.

Anyways I had a wonderful Birthday. My Dad and sister Amber surprised me with a visit. My Dad lives in Texas my sister Idaho. It was a present from my sister Amy who lives in Spain. I had a wonderful time with them. We ate ice cream, took a walk, ate pizza, took a drive up Nebo Canyon. My sister and I on Saturday went to Chile's for a girls night out.

On Sunday My Dad and Sister wanted me to go up and see my Grandma and my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins. I said sure. When I arrived my family was waiting for me they through me a surprised birthday party. I was very surprised. I love my extended family very much. They where worried about me and wanted to let me know they loved me and so they through me a party. I am indeed very loved. One sad thing did happen after the party, I had to say goodbye to my Dad and sister Amber. They had to go back to Idaho. I will miss them very much.

We ended the day by going to my mother in laws house for dinner. It was a birthday celebration for my husband and I. My husbands birthday is on October 9. A quick side note we have the exact same numbers in our birthdays. Mine is 10-4-1979 and his is 10-9-1974. If you can't do the math fast enough my husband will be turning 35. My mother in law made enchiladas they were very good. She also made this very yummy peach dessert.

Thank you to everyone who made this a wonderful birthday. I think I am ready for what my thirties will bring.

Our tongue curler

We have one. We finally have one. Not that we expected one or our kids to do this, because Neither Andrew or I can curl are tongues. Caleb can't. Marysa can't. Azalea can't. But Josh can.

He is so cute when he does.

Our walk to the park.

Summer is coming to an end this is very bitter sweet for me. Anyways I thought that I would take Azalea and Joshua to the icy stand to get an icy. Since the Marysa and Caleb where at school.

I loaded up the two little ones and off we went. We walked down a steep hill, turned the corner came to the icy stand only to find it closed. It did not open until after 3:00 pm.

I was not going to let this walk go to waste so I continued to a walk up hamburger stand. I ordered to ice cream cones and some fries because on the sign it said worlds best fries or something like that. So of coarse I had to try them. They were good but not the best.

After the Ice Cream we walked to the park. I was not intending to go to the park today but hay sometimes we just walk and see where it leads us. Had the icy stand been open we would have not gone to the park. We had a blast at the park. I loved spending time with the little ones. I love how they play together. So here are some pictures of what we saw on our walk to the park.


Yummy Ice cream


Thirsty kids



an azalea



flowers



Shadows



The letter A



A bee



Someone swinging= Azalea


flowers and shadows



A really old truck



A cross



Handsome eyes



Beautiful eyes



Two very happy kids.

Our first home

Andrew and I bought our first home. We closed on July 15th 2009. Lets just say with buying our first home and having a miscarriage at the same time has been well over whelming.

I finally have my house. It was built in 1950. It has lots of fruit trees. Apple, pear, apricot, plum, cherry and a grape vine.

Enjoy the pictures.













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my baby and the memory box.

This is the only picture I have of my baby. I don't know for sure if it was a boy or a girl. MY feelings tell me that it was a little boy. I have named this baby Scott Mason after my grandfather Oscar Mason.

He looks so cute in this ultra sound. Oh how I wish I had the chance to hold him. To see him. To nurse him. To kiss his sweet little face. Oh how my heart has ached the last month. How empty my heart feels.

My thoughts over the last month have been all over the place. At time I have even thought that this little boy didn't want me to be his mommy. I have experienced grief to its fullest this last month. I have been angry, I have been depressed, I have been in denial. My heart at times feels like it is being torn in a million peaces at times.

I have had a few days of peace. I have had peace one minute and the next I feel like I am about to lose it.

My kids have seen me cry. Marysa is always there to hug me. My kids have seen me cry a lot. I am feel bad that they have to see me go through this.

I have been to the temple many times. I am looking for answers but I have not gotten any yet. I think I am just not ready to hear.

Andrew has given me three beautiful priesthood blessings. The first one was right before my d&c. The second one was just a few days after the d&c and I couldn't sleep,so he gave me a blessing that I would be able to sleep and I was. The third one was just this past Sunday I had been having a hard time. He said very firmly that I would have more kids. This had weighed heavily on my mind.

At times I am not sure I have the strength to go threw this again. I am scared. It was so hard last time. I barely made it through. I feel like I missed a whole year. I feel like I lost friends because of how I handled it.

I do know that as time goes by that my broken heart will heal. I know that there will always be a part of my heart that misses my babies. I know that I will always think of what might have been. I know that I still have to travel this road some more.




I have made a memory box for my sweet baby.
I have included his ultra sound picture. The pregnancy test. The bracelet that my sweet cousin made for me. She made it for me so that even though I know longer have my baby that when I wear the bracelet part of him will be with me. It means so much to me that I can not wear it because I would be afraid I would lose it. I have the roses my relief society teacher gave me. I have the box of the figurine that my home teacher gave me. I have the cards that people have sent me. I have the booties from the hospital that I wore when I had the d&c done. I have an outfit that I bought for the baby. It has the picture that my kids drew for me.

My friend in my ward gave me a bush to plant so that I will have something else to remember the baby by.

I put a rainbow on top of the box as to remind me of the hope of what is to come after the rain is gone.


I am so grateful for all the support that I have received. All the hugs, all the prayers, all of the kind words, all of the people who will sit and listen to me just talk and work out my frustrations.

I still need prayers. I still need to be able to talk about losing by baby. I am not sure what this road has in store for me. I have a feeling of what I am suppose to learn from this experience. I just hope I can come out of this a stronger person and with a stronger faith in our Heavenly Father.